Getting Caught is the Measure of the Man

I’ve had numerous relationships with men and I understand the dynamics of relationships with men who are already involved with another woman at the time we choose to come together.

When I choose to do this, I go into this with my eyes wide open. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t pretend that the rest of the world — or his girlfriend, if she’s not secure in their relationship and she finds out — is going to understand that my relationship with him has nothing to do with her.

But, people get weird about sex and possessive about their partners (especially when it comes to acts of intimacy).

However, I admit that when a man wants to have his Cake and his Cupcake too, I have been know to be open to being his delicious Cupcake if he possesses certain qualities:

1.  He has his head on straight regarding the relationship boundaries.

2.  He is respectful of me and of our time together.

3.  He is hot. 

Why not?

What I do with him is between us, not anyone else.

If he tries to bring his other relationships up when we’re together  – I quickly lose respect for him. I have no use for continuing a relationship with someone who is focusing on guilt or worried about “getting caught.” As soon as that fear (or reality) rears its ugly head, he is no longer sharing moments with me.

He is lost. 

And, although, I’m a sensitive person, I cannot save anyone.

I don’t look to engage with cowards, and I don't like it when a guy back peddles because someone else is not in favor of him being with me. I have no problem with him telling me straight-out, “This isn't working for me.” (I know that not everyone can live outside the box the way I do.) But I do have a problem with him saying “I can’t do this because someone else found out and doesn’t like it.”

I want to scream, “Pleeeease! Stand up and be a man! Make your own decisions – don’t blame your change of heart on someone else. You knew from the start that there was a risk, so actually getting caught is, well, not my problem.”

The real question here is: Why do something you can’t live with?

I believe that if you can't live with your decisions, it's time to do something different. If you can’t live with the consequences of your actions (should another become aware of your behavior), DON’T DO IT!

Perhaps some men are fearful of actually being in charge of their own decisions.

These are the victims. . . victims to their lives; these are the ones who let life happen to them and never feel that they have any options. I guess it must give them comfort to blame someone else for their decisions.

Myself, I find it manipulative and irritating. Because, if you have ever been on the receiving end of someone living out of fear of “getting caught”, you are often mistreated (or worse blamed) and then expected to be understanding to their dilemma.

I have little tolerance for someone who thinks they can use their life-circumstances or other relationships as an excuse to be thoughtless towards someone else. 

I believe that we all make choices and we all create our lives. Those who are driven by fear of their own power are destined to feel unfulfilled. Many times their unwillingness to take responsibility is expressed as, "having a hard time," "feeling confused," "going through a tough time,” or “feeling guilty”. Either way, it's not a very appealing attribute when it becomes a way of life.

I try to be aware of a man’s tendency to think this way before I let him in my bed, but sometimes I just don’t see it. Sometimes they convincingly portray someone they are not: Someone who will stand up and be a man about his choices and his life.

Comments

[curtis]

Id have to give this one to the girls. Ive had a few cupcakes along with my cake and when you establish a connection with a woman that isn't your gf, and you don't let your relationship with your gf bleed into your new one(in the courting stage that is), when you finally let your new woman know that you have a gf or are in a committed relationship they don't seem to mind. When I was dating my first "other" I learned not to let my relationship interfere with "our time",as the second I brought that world into the picture she was extremely annoyed with me.I then separated the two out of respect for myself and my lover and had a heck of a lot more fun. It was like my escape from the regular and eventually it was like two different worlds.Most of us have to learn to be men as if we make a decision to do this we shouldn't let our weakness and irresponsibility to won up affect our lover

[Red]

Dear Curtis:
Thanks! I'm so pleased to hear that some men get it!!
I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have relationships outside the normal limits of what people generally think of as "right".
I've been thinking about what it really means to be faithful and true in a relationship and it's not what most people believe it is.
And I've been thinking about what it takes to be the other woman.
And I'm convinced that most folks are stuck in old-fashion, out-dated beliefs about relationships because they are insecure or afraid or just plain unimaginative.
Anyway, I'll be writing more on this soon because, to me, it seems important to help the world understand that there's nothing wrong with having your cake and your cupcake too ...and there is nothing wrong with being a cupcake ...and there is no reason for anyone to be hurt by these wonderful unconventional connections.
kisses,
Red