If you really loved me you'd...

"... grow up and be more responsible...give up your friends because they are bad influences...talk more about your feelings...like the same things I like...believe the things I believe...be different than you are..."

Why do people feel that they should try to make someone they "love" be something else? Why, especially in a romantic relationship, do people feel that they have the right to ask someone to change?  The idea that this is justifiable because they're "together" is astonishing, yet so common. I believe that this is the #1 factor in bad breakups, failed marriages and...stalking.

After much field research, I've come to the conclusion that people who attempt to change others are riddled with self-doubt. Some people just don't know their own value and need external confirmation to prove their self-worth. Most times they feel justified in expecting their partner or potential partner (in a dating situation) to provide this for them. The tactics for this are often manipulative, but I think this comes from the fact that such individuals have blind spots in regards to their insecurities. They honestly don't see themselves as insecure or controlling or manipulative.

If their lack of self-worth is coupled with a lack of self-insight, things are not pretty. Because when their partner doesn't change, insecure people will put their partner down, rather than see their own lack of confidence. They focus on how they've "been wronged" and how the other person is the "bitch" or the "jerk" (there are definitely  bitches and jerks in the world - but that's a post for another day).

I believe the reason insecure people feel they're "wronged" in a relationship is 2-fold:

1. They're not looking at themselves, and 
2. They don't really want the person they hooked up with (they merely want a cheerleader).

Because insecure individuals are unable to generate sufficient feeling of confidence internally, they often look to others (primarily those close to them) to say or do things that will boost them up.

It's true that we all enjoy getting kudos from someone we care about; we enjoy others enjoying us. But if someone doesn't know their own worth, all the kudos in the world will not make up for that. It seems that the more insecure someone is, the higher the need to confirm their worth through others and the more specific they are about how others "should" be.

It's happened to me before and it's frustrating if I don't recognize what's going on. Let's face it, when I like somebody, I usually want them to like me back. But, in the end, I am who I am and if you don't like that, we're probably not a good match. Simple.

I'm not wrong for not being what someone else wants. And, they are not wrong for wanting someone different. But trying to make me into someone different will fail miserably, cause frustration on both sides, and end in disappointment.

Although I am open to listening to what someone wants or needs from me in a relationship, I won't become someone else FOR someone else. I won't, because I value who I am. If my beau of the day tries to change me...yikes!

The thing is, no one can give you confidence if you don't have it in you.
So these relationships always end badly.

Trying to change someone else always backfires. When a person is pushed by another to do (or be) something that they wouldn't do (or be) genuinely, any change in their behavior comes into question. You can never be sure that that person has "changed" of their own volition, or because they were pushed into it. So trust is out the window. And trust seems to be core to any lasting relationship.

Again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't ask another to treat them well or to do things that consider their feelings. I'm saying that when the actions of one person becomes a measure for another's self-value, the relationship becomes a game.  Any choices made within this dynamic are not authentic or trustworthy.

For myself, I cannot be in the company of those who are going to try to change me. Nor can I be with a man who wants to own me. Or connect with someone who is threatened by the fact that I rule my life. 

Attempts of others to push me in directions that are not authentic to me, will end up pushing me away.