I go to my appointments and meet my friends. I walk through the streets with a box of tissues, unable to stop the tears. So many things run through my head...a letter I never sent; things I said and did out of anger that didn't reflect my love - only my fear; the incredible moments of tenderness and freedom that were shared with a heart connection - moments that I had never imagined possible with anyone; my inability to wait it out - forcing the issue and making him retreat back into the comfort of his rule-driven life instead of allowing him to truly weigh the significance of our experience; how I love him and how truly amazing he is; how I didn't respect that he wasn't yet ready to fully trust that anything is possible; how afraid I was that his fear would stop him from believing that he could have more in this life than following expectations - expectations he agreed to before he'd lived everything and before he knew all of what was possible; and how I hurt him and myself by getting caught up in the struggle and forgetting the wonder.
And most painfully, the moment he told me it was all a mistake. Relegating it to..."mainly a text and telephone relationship" - denying the fact that we were compelled to text and talk because of the complete connection we share. I fear that because I lost sight of the truth of the inevitability of our connection, I put him a position where he felt compelled to assess what we shared as wrong. I know he felt the magic but he doesn't live in a world of magic - so he dismissed it, because what we share is something that is beyond commitment due to a promise or coming together due to responsibility.
We shared magic - but he doesn't believe in magic.
I fear that because I selfishly wanted to celebrate the wonder that is us every day, and because I didn't allow him to struggle with the truth for the time he needed, I pushed him away. And I pushed so hard that I didn't give him the chance to see that - even though what we share doesn't fit into his life as it is - what we have is still real and true. It cannot be turned off simply by thinking it away, or by denying it or by putting it in a box called "wrong". Just saying it was wrong, doesn't make it wrong. It was for me the most right and true thing I ever had or will have. As he would say...this is the stuff of fairy tales. And no matter what anyone tells me, I know that fairy tales come true. They are, after all, stories based on the truest of human experience - the heart. And he has the most beautiful heart I've ever known.
Unfortunately, we live in world that values the rational and separates out the heart as frivolousness. And sometimes the need to feel safe is so strong it clouds the heart. And since I represent him following his heart and ignoring his responsibilities, I don't fit into his world. I never would have wanted to put him in such a challenging place; a place where he felt unable to embrace that he/we could have both...
Life is full of paradoxes. He use to say that I'm very black and white in my thinking...maybe so. But in this case, I believe that BOTH his commitment to his current life AND our connection are real; and neither is less valuable or valid than the other. Both exist simultaneously. But that may be too hard to live with. So, I fear he thinks now in black and white...either/or...not both/and.
Still, HE took a chance for the most beautiful and magical time and allowed himself to openly experience a side of himself that he had shut away for so long, and he took that chance with ME. And that says something about the power of what we share.
And although now, he may need to see it as a mistake and seek the safety of what he's used to in order to continue to live within the boundaries he set up for himself (boundaries that may no longer fully work because they don't allow him to embrace all aspects of who he truly is), there was never anything wrong with our coming together. Because there was nothing missing in our connection - it encompassed every part of us - mind/heart/body/soul - it's big. So big that it was/is beyond comprehension. As he would say... it is beyond words.
In my heart, I believe that it is beyond our control who we fall in love with. And love doesn't "make sense." But, I know beyond a doubt that this kind of love is the driving force that feeds our souls. And I know that in the end, when all the hurt and anger and fear and shame fall away, that is what we will be left with. We will be left with a love for one another that changed everything.
But for now, I just cry...