Red's World

Fixing Fate

There are some things that we cannot stop. Sometimes we try to slow destiny because we have the illusion that if we do certain things in a certain way we can control the outcome. 

But I've found that sometimes life events occurs that we have nothing to do with - because we do not live in a vacuum. There are always others involved and we do not get to choose their impact on us or ours on them.

We all have a part in creating our own fate.

If we pay attention to our gut and our hearts, and are true, the information is there.

When we step lightly in an attempt to secure that we don't lose something, we forget that in not being truthful to ourselves, we are not being truthful to others. And whatever we're trying not to lose with our caution is already lost in the saving of it. 

We may have something that looks like it's right but, looks can be deceiving... and shallow. Dig deeper. Perhaps you've already lost what you feared you'd lose; or already gained what you've only hoped. Check your radar. 

Life doesn't go the way we want it, but we always have a voice about how we participate.   

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Jason...my angel love

Sometimes I can still here him laugh. Sometimes I still talk to him, sharing my news and mulling over struggles in my life. When I'm uncertain about something, I ask him what to do. I know that he understands me, wants me happy and knows me. And talking to him gives me some peace when I don't have any.

But I miss being able to laugh with him. And hear his voice. And touch him. And dance with him. Even though he's always with me, he always just out of reach...and always will be.

My dear sweet Jason, passed away 10 years ago today. And although I've become accustom to him being gone...he has never left me.

Over this past decade, I've seen him, heard him, felt him move through the room - but still I miss him, every day. And every day I wish I had just 5 more moments to share with him the way we could before he died.

If I had those 5 moments -- I would thank him, and laugh with him, and cry with him, and kiss him. So I do that now in the only way I can...with my heart and my remembrances of him.  

Jason Nabeta will live forever in my memory and in my heart.

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In Honor of Madeline: "Maddie Cat"

She was above all else...the Cat's "Meow."

And tonight, after 15 years, she said goodbye to her nine lives here.

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Special Thanks to: NYC Veterinary Specialists

Still crying, still living

I go to my appointments and meet my friends. I walk through the streets with a box of tissues, unable to stop the tears. So many things run through my head...a letter I never sent; things I said and did out of anger that didn't reflect my love - only my fear; the incredible moments of tenderness and freedom that were shared with a heart connection - moments that I had never imagined possible with anyone; my inability to wait it out - forcing the issue and making him retreat back into the comfort of his rule-driven life instead of allowing him to truly weigh the significance of our experience; how I love him and how truly amazing he is; how I didn't respect that he wasn't yet ready to fully trust that anything is possible; how afraid I was that his fear would stop him from believing that he could have more in this life than following expectations - expectations he agreed to before he'd lived everything and before he knew all of what was possible; and how I hurt him and myself by getting caught up in the struggle and forgetting the wonder.

And most painfully, the moment he told me it was all a mistake. Relegating it to..."mainly a text and telephone relationship" - denying the fact that we were compelled to text and talk because of the complete connection we share. I fear that because I lost sight of the truth of the inevitability of our connection, I put him a position where he felt compelled to assess what we shared as wrong. I know he felt the magic but he doesn't live in a world of magic - so he dismissed it, because what we share is something that is beyond commitment due to a promise or coming together due to responsibility. We shared magic - but he doesn't believe in magic.

I fear that because I selfishly wanted to celebrate the wonder that is us every day, and because I didn't allow him to struggle with the truth for the time he needed, I pushed him away. And I pushed so hard that I didn't give him the chance to see that - even though what we share doesn't fit into his life as it is - what we have is still real and true. It cannot be turned off simply by thinking it away, or by denying it or by putting it in a box called "wrong". Just saying it was wrong, doesn't make it wrong. It was for me the most right and true thing I ever had or will have. As he would say...this is the stuff of fairy tales. And no matter what anyone tells me, I know that fairy tales come true. They are, after all, stories based on the truest of human experience - the heart. And he has the most beautiful heart I've ever known.

Unfortunately, we live in world that values the rational and separates out the heart as frivolousness. And sometimes the need to feel safe is so strong it clouds the heart. And since I represent him following his heart and ignoring his responsibilities, I don't fit into his world. I never would have wanted to put him in such a challenging place; a place where he felt unable to embrace that he/we could have both...

Life is full of paradoxes. He use to say that I'm very black and white in my thinking...maybe so. But in this case, I believe that BOTH his commitment to his current life AND our connection are real; and neither is less valuable or valid than the other. Both exist simultaneously. But that may be too hard to live with. So, I fear he thinks now in black and white...either/or...not both/and.

Still, HE took a chance for the most beautiful and magical time and allowed himself to openly experience a side of himself that he had shut away for so long, and he took that chance with ME. And that says something about the power of what we share.

And although now, he may need to see it as a mistake and seek the safety of what he's use to in order to continue to live within the boundaries he set up for himself (boundaries that may no longer fully work because they don't allow him to embrace all aspects of who he truly is), there was never anything wrong with our coming together. Because there was nothing missing in our connection - it encompassed every part of us - mind/heart/body/soul - it's big. So big that it was/is beyond comprehension. As he would say... it is beyond words.

In my heart, I believe that it is beyond our control who we fall in love with. And love doesn't "make sense." But, I know beyond a doubt that this kind of love is the driving force that feeds our souls. And I know that in the end, when all the hurt and anger and fear and shame fall away, that is what we will be left with. We will be left with a love for one another that changed everything.

But for now, I just cry...

The World is Upside-Down

I recently had a profound experience in my life that shook me to my very roots and has challenged me to think differently than I have for a long time. Including how I define myself.

Those involved, or those close to me know the details of the experience, but it is the intensity of its impact that has caught me off guard. As I now try to continue to go through my day with the knowledge that life is full of mystery and unanswered questions, I find that I'm not as sure as I once was about anything.

I've always been strong in my convictions and bold in my actions - as you might have guessed from what I write. I've been far from needing anyone or anything to feel secure, with the exception of the assurance that I'm authentic about who I am. I live unafraid of the world - a free spirit. And I've made it clear that if you cannot accept (or at least tolerate) who I am and how I live, then that's your problem. If you like what you see, you're welcome to come along for the ride.

None of that has changed, but of late I've been challenged to consider life and myself in a different light. I found myself acting in ways and believing in things that have deeply changed me. And now I find that I cannot undo this feeling. My life would be simpler if I could.

In unseen ways, my mind has taken on a new perspective. There is more to the story of my life than what I thought.  Not really sure how it all happened, but I've started to see myself as a part of something. And when one does that...everything changes: from the day to day choices we make, to the things we consider when we make those choices.

For the first time in a very long time, I don't know the answers. I’ve been changed and every move I make is now colored by this experience. The chart I’ve been using to direct my life doesn’t reveal how to navigate my current position. It’s perplexing for me to find myself unable to read the chart with any accuracy. It feels awful and wonderful at the same time.

I hear myself saying and doing things that are a culmination of insights I didn’t know I had. I find myself going in a direction that moves me into uncharted territory; doing what I believe honors the truth of this experience, and giving credit to its significance by allowing life to take a course in which I cannot see the horizon. I give up the idea that I can influence future events.

From this experience, I've been able to catch a glimpse of an aspect of myself that would not have been exposed otherwise -- a part of myself that I don’t recognize; a part of me that sees far beyond the next step but at the same time cannot see the path. So, although I don’t know how to do it, I try to trust that the path is right in front of me.

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Photo Credit: Bmoore3

Jason: I still miss you everyday!

You are always with me and yet never with me.

                          You are my angel.

I miss what it was like before
                   ...when we could laugh and dance and sing and touch and hope.

Time and Time again

Time. It’s a concept that permeates all our experiences. Shades our thinking and colors every event.

We organize our lives around it.

In time, everything passes and then we are left with memories. Memories may be timeless, but they’re shaped by time. We remember the same thing in different ways at different points in our lives. So, time colors our recollections.

The construct of time is so much a part of our language and thoughts that we’re often oblivious to its power:

Time changes everything
Take your time
Time’s up
Give it time
Time to go
How much time left
Time out
It’s a matter of time
Do you have the time?
It all in the timing
Doing time
Time heals all wounds
Time marches on
No time like the present
Spare some time
Time’s a-wasting
Time to kill
Make the time
Time flies
Good Times
Saving time

Time is a paradox; we control what we do with our time but we have no control over its passage. We have all the time in the world, yet we never seem to have enough of it.

Its value is determined by how we spend it.

A Love Poem

Why are we here?

We are here to love.

What is Love?

Good question.

It’s a celebration

Not a chain or prison or obligation or burden.

It is a song.

It is the ability to live a lifetime with him in an hour

to feel more alive than you imagined

to forget yourself, your worries or commitments.

It is to be free.

It's what we live for.

Something Special for Someone Special

Jason Nabeta, who left us 8 years ago (on June 11th, 2000), will alway be remembered and will live on forever in our special memories and imaginations.

Here's to you Jason!!

Kisses, Red

It's Never Over. . .

Everyday I see Jason,
exactly like this.

Now, he never changes;
he never ages;
but most importantly,
he never leaves me. . .

even given the fact that
he left this world behind
(far, far too soon)
on June 11, 2000.

It is with great tenderness that I think of him and wish with all my heart he was not just a memory in my everyday experience of life.

At times I feel him near -- but no matter how I try -- I cannot hold and touch and laugh with him still. . .

I miss that.