Red's World

Secret Relationships: why they work and why they don't

Having a secret LOVE affair – as opposed to just an affair - with a married man (or someone in a work setting, where relationships need to remain private) is problematic.

When relationships that are real remain secret it damages the bond by putting those involved in a situation that devalues who they are and what they share.

People who would otherwise be honest and forthright find themselves compromising their personal values in order to be together; a scenario that compromises their connection. I'm here to tell you... it doesn't have to be that way.

As you know, if you've read my blog, I'm no stranger to affairs with married (or otherwise occupied) men. But, there are rules for these clandestine relationship. And these rules are NOT the same as the rules of love. A simple affair requires discretion for that relationship to work. But, ladies (or gents), if you want more than just a sexual lover with a person who's already involved, you should NOT get into this kind of hush-hush relationship. You should only do this if you truly understand that you are agreeing to only having brief moments of intimacy, without demands or expectations for any future. Secret affairs are ONLY for fun, in the moment, commitment-less and temporary connections. Secret affairs are not for those who fall in love.

If you try to live a love relationship by affair rules...it will become confusing and hurtful. The secrecy that makes a simple affair work - will destroy a love relationship by diminishing its value; making both parties question themselves and thus the relationship.

Don't kid yourself, you cannot have secret affairs if you want more. Getting involved with involved man - without being rigorously honest with yourself about what you want from him - is a recipe for disaster. If you love him and he wants to keep you a secret...walk away. This is a warning: If you don't walk away, if you fool yourself into believing that you can have more under these circumstances than a sexual tryst... you are headed for heartbreak! The rules of love do not (I repeat, DO NOT) apply here. If you're heart is involved and his heart isn't (but you want his to be - or think you can make it be) - run!! 

If you found love with each other...but he happens to be married, than you both need to know that the timing of your coming together and how you manage it must be treated with kid gloves. Matters of the heart under such pressure-filled circumstances are very tenuous. It's almost impossible to love secretly without getting disoriented. Keeping a relationship hidden, devalues it and compromises the connection. 

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Being on your own doesn't = Being Alone

It always surprises me that, when I run into old friends (and even new friends) over the years of my singlehood, the question I'm asked most often is, “Why don't you have someone ‘special’ in your life?” (Maybe I do, and it's a secret-love but that's beside the point here - fodder for another post) The point here is: What they’re really asking is, "Why aren't you married?"

The implication is, if you're not married or in a relationship than you're alone in this world. I always remind them that I'm in many relationships, and have many people and men who are important to me. I get a lot of attention and it works for me.

“But isn’t that lonely?” they ask with a long look of concern and pity.  And my answer is: "Not at all". I don’t feel lonely and I certainly don’t feel alone in the world. In my years as a single woman, it’s never occurred to me that I need to find a mate or create a child in order to be fulfilled as a person or to stave off loneliness.

I have so many amazing people in my life that I love. And beyond that, I have many relationships with those who are truly there for me; many that support me in all my dreams and hopes. I have those that stand by me as I go through the trials of life’s lessons and those who challenge me to learn. They are like my family – in fact, some actual are my family (siblings, parents, cousins).

Interestingly, some people don’t consider that you “have a family” if you don’t have a spouse or children. But I’m not that traditional in my views and I don’t think that because you don’t have what is considered the American Dream, it means that you’re missing something essential in life.

The questions I get from others (many of whom are married with children) make me wonder: Why do they assume that I'm lonely because what I have, I have by myself? Would they be lonely without their American Dream lives? And do they enjoy what I have? - Do they have the freedom that comes with not having to account to anyone for what they do or the choices they make? Or the trill of never knowing what’s next in the adventure of life? Or the prospect of always meeting new people and being exposed to new ideas? Not that you can’t have these within the confines of a marriage, but – let’s face it – these are not qualities that are typically associated with the marriage experience.

At any rate, I know that being "in it together" with someone significant is an experience that brings benefits that are valuable, just as being independent does. So, I don't fret for those in marriage; nor should they worry for me because I am unattached.

I am on my own, not alone.

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I'm not finished yet...

Have you ever been in the middle of the most amazing relationship and become so uncertain that you reacted rashly? And suddenly it seems to have ended, but you don't feel that it's over because you still have such strong feelings, and you still have so much more to say, and you are certain in your belief that you can work through it together?

I have, and it sucks. It suck especially because I hate leaving things unsaid; things that I've learned as a result of pushing myself to move through the difficult times that followed to get to the other side; it sucks because I so desperately want to share what I've come to with the person I learned it with...only now, it's become awkward.

What do you do when, after a feeling so utterly comfortable and safe and trusting with another, he becomes uneasy about talking...and you don't even know what that means? And he doesn't return your calls to explain. Yet, the last time you spoke the two of you agreed to talk again after some time had passed...and it has. I don't have the answers, but I can tell you what I've done and what I try to do.

As we all do, the first thing I try is to figure it out. I try to find a reason for the shift which, incidentally, is impossible to do alone - when the other person involved is not talking. This is the rationalizing that we do to make things more palatable when we are dealing with loss...we try to make sense out of a situation that doesn't fit with the past way of being with another. We do it when someone dies, or someone disappears, or when we feel betrayed or confused about the other person's choices that involve us.

But when you try to make yourself feel better by answering questions in your head that the other person needs to answer for you, it's just an exercise; it doesn't really resolve anything. It's kinda like running in circles. You may not get anywhere, but you feel like you've had a good workout.

If you try to to process these feeling with others who are outside the situation, or try to explain it to anyone else, they don't exactly get it. Instead, they try to comfort you by saying, "You deserve better" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's for the best" -- but we all know that these pat answers are given to ease the discomfort; they are not real answers and they don't address half the story. These "answers" don't encompass the complexity of any relationship, nor do they provide the relief we desire from the hardship of being estranged from someone important. For me to get relief, there is no reason for me to talk with anyone except the one I need to communicate with.

We need to talk directly before anything can be set straight. I believe we will (because I believe that if I'm feeling unfinished, so is he). But that belief could just be me making things up in my head to make myself feel better. I won't know until we talk, but it does ease the heartache that I feel when I think that I'll never have a chance to share what I so much want to share. And I won't give up, because...

...I'm not finished yet.

Unfinished Business: hurry up and wait

Have you ever been asked to step away from something that you're not yet finished with? It leaves you at loose ends, feeling unfinished. And it can unravel you if you let it. Especially if it's a person with whom you have a significant tie. 

You cannot make someone come to you, or talk to you, or even acknowledge you if they don't want to (or if they feel uneasy about it). Even if you believe you could ease them. Even if you want to assure them that it's not a bad thing to communicate under any circumstances.

It's these times, that I have to stop and take a breath and remember...time is a wonderful leveler. Time will bring us back to the core of what brought us together and we will come back to the beginning once the wounds have healed and perspective is gained and we are more grounded in ourselves.

Bottom line, I may think I want to talk with someone (and I do), but if they are not in a place to do that and I ask them to anyway, what do I gain? I have a conversation with someone who is not invested in being or talking with me. And isn't what I really want is for them to freely come to me because they want to?

So, I wait (which is not one of my strong points), and I remember that I live my life at lighting speed; moving through crisis to insight faster than most; pursuing every endeavor to the nth degree - simultaneously.

I learn fast and I live fast. I don't waste a lot of time. My style is intense. I know for a fact that I get more done in a day than most people do in a week. And this it true for me emotionally as well. I move through the process of processing and coming to insights faster than most. I learn from my mistakes, make changes immediately to accommodate the new information, and incorporate that into my life -- always remembering my core belief that if I'm true to myself, anything is possible.

It's not my fault that I'm quick. And although it's afforded me many wondrous experiences (I've traveled far and wide; had numerous careers; collected more men and more friends than anyone else I know), it can be difficult when the world generally moves slower. And when those I care for are thrown by my pace - or by my (unintentional) expectation that they are as fast as me at moving to the end...where we talk again.  

...so I ground myself in my creativity which feeds my spirit. I pursue being exactly who I am in every moment (even if others don't like it), and I remember that if I live truly in the moment, I will have everything I always wanted, even things I didn't know.

...and I communicate with the only tool I have besides an actual conversation, I write. And hope that those I'm talking to are listening and know that I'm talking directly to them. And I wait, and I dream, and I trust, and I live and I cry and I laugh...I'm very busy waiting.

…and I remember that our best times were the times we came together freely without limits set on how or when that could be. So I try (in my small way) to recreate that, by not putting limits on how or when we'll talk again.

And although I have a knack of pushing people to do more than they see themselves as capable of, or feel comfortable with (because I'm unafraid to challenge people to think differently or try something anyway), I've found that this quality sometimes needs to be set aside in order to give someone time to catch up.

The Other Woman

Ok, I admit it, I have been the other woman.

And I've learned a great deal about relationships, loyalty, love and commitment through my clandestine connections. I've run across issues that my lovers' life-mates (and those outside the world of breaking boundaries) do not generally understand. And I've run into those who would rather pretend that I, and women like me, don't exist at all.

Be that as it may, I'll share some secrets of being a paramour.

There are those that value stability and sharing day to day life with another -- They are not made for this lifestyle. And there are those who believe that because another woman in the picture, his marriage is doomed or that he really doesn't care for her -- They do not see the whole picture.

But those that know how to be the other woman, know how to be with a man that is considered "unavailable". They go into it with open eyes and an understanding for the special circumstances of such an arrangement. They accept the unavoidable schedule limitations of this unique situation; never take his time for granted or his lack of time personally. And there is a great respect for the risks, with an appreciation for what they share; what it means to be with him.

Ultimately, there is a purity about this position because the relationship is not complicated by life issues and circumstances. They come together entirely by choice and nothing else; No duty binds them.

No need to talk about the future or the past, only the joy of living completely with each other in the present. It's a gift to be completely in the moment with another, who, under different circumstances, might find their connection overwhelming.

See, a true mistress is not looking to have what he has with his mate; nor is she hopeful that he'll come to her completely -- unencumbered by his committed relationship. She's not with him to change him, his obligations, or his world. She's not vying for any other position in his life besides that of his mistress. If she is, well, she should reconsider - because that is a different kind of relationship all together. We'll talk about being a home wrecker in another post, this one is about the other woman in extramarital affair as a legitimate relationship choice.

She is with him because she enjoys what they experience together and doesn't believe that changing his life will enhance the moments they share; In fact, that would only complicate things between them, causing them to lose the purity of their intentions towards each other.

Above all, their time together is more precious - because it is quality, and in rare quantity.

For those who value the free choice; the excitement of clandestine connections; and the thrill of letting go of everything to share stolen moments within which is found a glimpse of eternity, being the other woman is not a bad position to be in.

Top Ten ways to tell that "His Mama didn't raise him right!"

1. He takes you out to a restaurant but he eats before he gets there so he doesn't have to buy dinner.
2. He buys the first round of drinks then asks you to get the next round and wonders why you don't consider him a gentleman.
3. He asks if you'll be offended if he invites you to go Dutch to a movie, and then gets angry with you when you are... offended.
4. He goes on and on about how many dates he's paid for, with no appreciation for the fact that you've held up your end of the deal by putting out on every date.
5. He kisses you goodnight but he's a sloppy kisser and he wonders why you don't answer his calls.
6. His way to end an argument is to tell you to get out of the cab while he pays and once your out, he takes off in the cab without you.
7. He claims to respect you too much to have sex with you. Ah...What?
8. He asks you to come to the Jersey Shore with him, then expects you to take a train to get there to meet him.
9. He has a car but doesn't give you a ride home after you spend the night at his place because he's "tired."
10. He doesn't call you the next day after a full service date to tell you what a nice time he had but facebooks you 2 weeks later saying he wants to see you, asking you to call him (like that's going to happen).

*** list is base on actual Red events (pretty unbelievable -- right?)

The Rules of Engagement

Maybe the world's not ready for me...or maybe it's just hard to be easy.

I've had many kinds of relationships, love affairs and connections, so I speak from experience. And I speak as a woman who loves to be cherished and respects that there are all kinds of ways of being with others.

What I share here is meant as no disrespect to those who are more traditionally grounded in marriage or relationships...it's simply another take on extramarital activities. One that respects the fact that infidelity has a legitimate place in marriage. After all, it's been a part of the marriage experience for centuries.

So here's some thoughts I've had in regards to the age-old question...how do we engage in an affair and give it the respect it's due?

When a man has an affair, the "affairee" (i.e. other woman, mistress, paramour) is his secret fling, his private liaison, his covert lover - the one who makes the world go away with moments of passion.

I'm talking about an affair that doesn't threaten his marriage; the kind where the liaison never leaves the bedroom and doesn't become more than an extracurricular activity. I'm not talking about an affair of the heart that potentially interferes with the marriage commitment.

In the position of his mistress, I've sometimes had to listen to his dreams that are not related to what we share. However, when I find myself listening to concerns and fears that are directly related to what he’s afraid of losing because of what we have, he has broken one of the rules of engagement; that of respecting the boundaries of our relationship. When he frets about his fears regarding our rendezvous, the nature of our connection changes;  it becomes burdensome rather than freeing.  It is a warning that he should not be engaged in this affair.

The tell-"tail" signs that he should not be having an affair:

• He confuses what we share with his life situation and other obligations.
• He becomes increasingly concerned about consequences of our play.
• He feels guilt or shame about the connection we have...

If these signs are present...he has to go, because he's no longer with me anyway -- even when we're together. Because at this point, being with me becomes a pressure-filled reminder of his "improprieties", rather than carefree moments that provide relief from the demands of the outside world, other relationships and life expectations.

When he starts to feel that what we are doing is "wrong", then that is exactly what it becomes. He creates his own reality in this way. Inadvertently (probably unconsciously), he starts to judge and blame me for his discomfort with our relationship and he begins to resent me for it.

And when he does this, it's time to let go, kick him out of my bed and move on. I cannot waste my time being with someone who:

• Does not celebrate our moments of timelessness.
• Brings outside, unrelated issues to my bedchamber.
• Has beliefs about relationships that are archaic or puritanical.

These will ultimately destroy the purity of our connection to one another. Don't misunderstand; I know my place in the affair chain of command. I don't expect him to live out-loud with me, but I do expect that we'll enjoy the experience together, privately.

I cannot, will not, be his playmate if he becomes paranoid and takes it out on me. It's disrespectful of me, and the legitimate extramarital relationship we share.  If he cannot handle being with me, it is certainly not because I don't make it easy for him, it is because he makes it hard (and not in the good way).

So, remember all you little "affairees", being the other woman, does not make you a doormat for him to wipe his guilty feet on -  because he feels dirty.

For him to be lucky enough to enjoy your company, he has to follow the rules of engagement and respect the affair for the treasure it is.

Showmance: Romance to the Stars!

It's like Vegas. . . what happens on tour (or at summer stock or a film set) doesn't count! It's like a magic place of make believe where anything is possible and anything can happen.

"Showmance-romance" = The inevitable hookup; specific to the dynamics created in the world of entertainment, film making and theatre. 

It's the nature of "the industry" to make fast friends, connect on a heart level with other creatives and be moved by the passion of the project, which is bound to spill over in to the passion of the moment with someone on set or stage.

It's natural. How can you not connect with people who share your vision and love of art? Besides in a week, you spend more time with these people than you spend with your family (or other friends) in a month. And the project is almost always longer than a week.

It's not something that anyone in the business doesn't expect. And it shouldn't be scary or weird or upsetting to anyone. There is a distance from life that is created in these circumstances  that takes one away from the normal day to day, into a world of wonder. A world where connections with others is felt on a level that differs from the mundane experience of a regular life.

We in that world all know that it's like a fantasy; it's temporary. It's other worldly in the sense that it's like being taken outside the reality of life and put onto an island far, far away where connections to the mainland melt away. 

But, please those who are new to this experience of being in this world, where you find a true connection to yourself (through a connection with another), don't be seduced into thinking that you can take that with you when you go back to life as we know it. It's reel-life, but not real-life in the way we normally think of it.

It's Showmance!

It's of that world, by that world and for that world. It may not survive outside of that world.

Pair off, 1,2...3?

How we choose our mate?

Think about it…really. With more than 40,000,000 sites available to singles, people must think a lot about this. I think understanding more about how we choose who we want to partner-up with, can help us recognize why certain relationships (of the romantic couple variety) are lasting – or not.

Not that I’m a big fan of limiting oneself to only one, one...but, for the sake of argument, let’s keep this simple and address this conversation to the vast number of people who are looking for a significant other to share time with. In a sort of committed or datey – I want to be with you, and only you, and nobody else but you – kind of way.

Widespread opinion (or is it just a myth?) says that common beliefs, interests or shared experience are important in an ongoing relationship. Maybe, maybe not, but many dating sites have made a mint on this idea. And although, it’s true that those factors often bring people together. Alas, this limited understanding of union, often it is not enough to keep a couple a couple (or together at all). 

Here are some examples of how those looking for love try to search: age, religion, political views, looks, hobbies, blah blah blah… and here are some samples of the kind of information you can find on the profiles of daters looking for love: “I love outdoor activities such as water sports, camping, baseball and playing pool”….SO WHAT? Sounds like he's looking for a companion, not a girlfriend. I mean, “Are you interesting?” Or how about this guy, who is looking for a soul mate – yikes: “I like the fresh air of the golf course and occasionally catching up with the latest cult movie.”  Impressive, yes?

Wouldn’t it be easy if that was all it took, just to have things in common to find your one and only? It’s a very seductive idea, indeed, and one that many marriages are based on. But it’s certainly not, well...that simple.  What happens when you life-partner gets bored, or sick, or has an allergic reaction to some shared common interest that was important in your relationship? Then what? What if as you both go through life, each of your values change; what was once considered a cornerstone of your connection becomes a source of strain -  because, that value is now only important to one of you and is seen as a ridiculous by the other? What if, as all people do, we each become more true to who we are as we gain experience – which inevitably brings us to new outlooks and worldviews? That can be disastrous to a committed relationship. And often is. Even if the relationship survives this, it’s often because one of the partners has to shut up or because they have something more than we look for on dating websites.

Chemistry (the spontaneous reaction of individuals to each other, especially a mutual sense of attraction or understanding), is what I think is most important. And honestly, I’ve not figured out how to determine the intensity of this kind of connection without meeting the person in person, which is one reason I’ve not tried the dating sites. (The other reason is that I’m not sure I believe in coupling.)

Nevertheless, chemistry is a visceral thing that occurs between two people when they’re in the same room. There can be no love at first sight if you’re not in the same room…even if you’re on the same website.

I heart America and I love the gays! (11/15/08)

So I had to sing a song...

Here I am standing with the Gays for equality, love and the right to be who you are without limits.