red's world

I'm not finished yet...

Have you ever been in the middle of the most amazing relationship and become so uncertain that you reacted rashly? And suddenly it seems to have ended, but you don't feel that it's over because you still have such strong feelings, and you still have so much more to say, and you are certain in your belief that you can work through it together?

I have, and it sucks. It suck especially because I hate leaving things unsaid; things that I've learned as a result of pushing myself to move through the difficult times that followed to get to the other side; it sucks because I so desperately want to share what I've come to with the person I learned it with...only now, it's become awkward.

What do you do when, after a feeling so utterly comfortable and safe and trusting with another, he becomes uneasy about talking...and you don't even know what that means? And he doesn't return your calls to explain. Yet, the last time you spoke the two of you agreed to talk again after some time had passed...and it has. I don't have the answers, but I can tell you what I've done and what I try to do.

As we all do, the first thing I try is to figure it out. I try to find a reason for the shift which, incidentally, is impossible to do alone - when the other person involved is not talking. This is the rationalizing that we do to make things more palatable when we are dealing with loss...we try to make sense out of a situation that doesn't fit with the past way of being with another. We do it when someone dies, or someone disappears, or when we feel betrayed or confused about the other person's choices that involve us.

But when you try to make yourself feel better by answering questions in your head that the other person needs to answer for you, it's just an exercise; it doesn't really resolve anything. It's kinda like running in circles. You may not get anywhere, but you feel like you've had a good workout.

If you try to to process these feeling with others who are outside the situation, or try to explain it to anyone else, they don't exactly get it. Instead, they try to comfort you by saying, "You deserve better" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's for the best" -- but we all know that these pat answers are given to ease the discomfort; they are not real answers and they don't address half the story. These "answers" don't encompass the complexity of any relationship, nor do they provide the relief we desire from the hardship of being estranged from someone important. For me to get relief, there is no reason for me to talk with anyone except the one I need to communicate with.

We need to talk directly before anything can be set straight. I believe we will (because I believe that if I'm feeling unfinished, so is he). But that belief could just be me making things up in my head to make myself feel better. I won't know until we talk, but it does ease the heartache that I feel when I think that I'll never have a chance to share what I so much want to share. And I won't give up, because...

...I'm not finished yet.

Unfinished Business: hurry up and wait

Have you ever been asked to step away from something that you're not yet finished with? It leaves you at loose ends, feeling unfinished. And it can unravel you if you let it. Especially if it's a person with whom you have a significant tie. 

You cannot make someone come to you, or talk to you, or even acknowledge you if they don't want to (or if they feel uneasy about it). Even if you believe you could ease them. Even if you want to assure them that it's not a bad thing to communicate under any circumstances.

It's these times, that I have to stop and take a breath and remember...time is a wonderful leveler. Time will bring us back to the core of what brought us together and we will come back to the beginning once the wounds have healed and perspective is gained and we are more grounded in ourselves.

Bottom line, I may think I want to talk with someone (and I do), but if they are not in a place to do that and I ask them to anyway, what do I gain? I have a conversation with someone who is not invested in being or talking with me. And isn't what I really want is for them to freely come to me because they want to?

So, I wait (which is not one of my strong points), and I remember that I live my life at lighting speed; moving through crisis to insight faster than most; pursuing every endeavor to the nth degree - simultaneously.

I learn fast and I live fast. I don't waste a lot of time. My style is intense. I know for a fact that I get more done in a day than most people do in a week. And this it true for me emotionally as well. I move through the process of processing and coming to insights faster than most. I learn from my mistakes, make changes immediately to accommodate the new information, and incorporate that into my life -- always remembering my core belief that if I'm true to myself, anything is possible.

It's not my fault that I'm quick. And although it's afforded me many wondrous experiences (I've traveled far and wide; had numerous careers; collected more men and more friends than anyone else I know), it can be difficult when the world generally moves slower. And when those I care for are thrown by my pace - or by my (unintentional) expectation that they are as fast as me at moving to the end...where we talk again.  

...so I ground myself in my creativity which feeds my spirit. I pursue being exactly who I am in every moment (even if others don't like it), and I remember that if I live truly in the moment, I will have everything I always wanted, even things I didn't know.

...and I communicate with the only tool I have besides an actual conversation, I write. And hope that those I'm talking to are listening and know that I'm talking directly to them. And I wait, and I dream, and I trust, and I live and I cry and I laugh...I'm very busy waiting.

…and I remember that our best times were the times we came together freely without limits set on how or when that could be. So I try (in my small way) to recreate that, by not putting limits on how or when we'll talk again.

And although I have a knack of pushing people to do more than they see themselves as capable of, or feel comfortable with (because I'm unafraid to challenge people to think differently or try something anyway), I've found that this quality sometimes needs to be set aside in order to give someone time to catch up.

Top Ten ways to tell that "His Mama didn't raise him right!"

1. He takes you out to a restaurant but he eats before he gets there so he doesn't have to buy dinner.
2. He buys the first round of drinks then asks you to get the next round and wonders why you don't consider him a gentleman.
3. He asks if you'll be offended if he invites you to go Dutch to a movie, and then gets angry with you when you are... offended.
4. He goes on and on about how many dates he's paid for, with no appreciation for the fact that you've held up your end of the deal by putting out on every date.
5. He kisses you goodnight but he's a sloppy kisser and he wonders why you don't answer his calls.
6. His way to end an argument is to tell you to get out of the cab while he pays and once your out, he takes off in the cab without you.
7. He claims to respect you too much to have sex with you. Ah...What?
8. He asks you to come to the Jersey Shore with him, then expects you to take a train to get there to meet him.
9. He has a car but doesn't give you a ride home after you spend the night at his place because he's "tired."
10. He doesn't call you the next day after a full service date to tell you what a nice time he had but facebooks you 2 weeks later saying he wants to see you, asking you to call him (like that's going to happen).

*** list is base on actual Red events (pretty unbelievable -- right?)

The Rules of Engagement

Maybe the world's not ready for me...or maybe it's just hard to be easy.

I've had many kinds of relationships, love affairs and connections, so I speak from experience. And I speak as a woman who loves to be cherished and respects that there are all kinds of ways of being with others.

What I share here is meant as no disrespect to those who are more traditionally grounded in marriage or relationships...it's simply another take on extramarital activities. One that respects the fact that infidelity has a legitimate place in marriage. After all, it's been a part of the marriage experience for centuries.

So here's some thoughts I've had in regards to the age old question...how do we engage in an affair and give it the respect it's due?

When a man has an affair, the "affairee" (i.e. other woman, mistress, paramour) is his secret fling, his private liaison, his covert lover - the one who makes the world go away with moments of passion.

I'm talking about an affair that doesn't threaten his marriage; the kind where the the liaison never leaves the bedroom and doesn't become more than an extracurricular activity. I'm not talking about an affair of the heart that potentially interferes with the marriage commitment.

In the position of his mistress, I've sometimes had to listen to his dreams that are not related to what we share. However, when I find myself listening to concerns and fears that are directly related to what he’s afraid of losing because of what we have, he has broken one of the rules of engagement; that of respecting the boundaries of our relationship. When he fret about his fears regarding our rendezvous, the nature of our connection changes;  it becomes burdensome rather than freeing.  It is a warning that he should not be engaged in this affair.

The tell-"tail" signs that he should not be having an affair:

• He confuses what we share with his life situation and other obligations.
• He becomes increasingly concerned about consequences of our play.
• He feels guilt or shame about the connection we have...

If these signs are present...he has to go, because he's no longer with me anyway -- even when we're together. Because at this point, being with me becomes a pressure-filled reminder of his "improprieties", rather than care-free moments that provide relief from the demands of the outside world, other relationships and life expectations.

When he starts to feel that what we are doing is "wrong", then that is exactly what it becomes. He creates his own reality in this way. Inadvertently (probably unconsciously), he starts to judge and blame me for his discomfort with our relationship and he begins to resent me for it.

And when he does this, it's time to let go, kick him out of my bed and move on. I cannot waste my time being with someone who:

• Does not celebrate our moments of timelessness.
• Brings outside, unrelated issues, to my bedchamber.
• Has beliefs about relationships that are archaic or puritanical.

These will ultimately destroy the purity of our connection to one another. Don't misunderstand, I know my place in the affair chain of command. I don't expect him to live out-loud with me, but I do expect that we'll enjoy the experience together, privately.

I cannot, will not, be his playmate if he becomes paranoid and takes it out on me. It's disrespectful of me and the legitimate extramarital relationship we share.  If he cannot handle being with me, it is certainly not because I don't make it easy for him, it is because he makes it hard (and not in the good way).

So, remember all you little "affairees", being the other woman, does not make you a doormat for him to wipe his guilty feet on -  because he feels dirty.

For him to be lucky enough to enjoy your company, he has to follow the rules of engagement and respect the affair for the treasure it is.

Showmance: Romance to the Stars!

It's like Vegas. . . what happens on tour (or at summer stock or a film set) doesn't count! It's like a magic place of make believe where anything is possible and anything can happen.

"Showmance-romance" = The inevitable hookup; specific to the dynamics created in the world of entertainment, film making and theatre. 

It's the nature of "the industry" to make fast friends, connect on a heart level with other creatives and be moved by the passion of the project, which is bound to spill over in to the passion of the moment with someone on set or stage.

It's natural. How can you not connect with people who share your vision and love of art? Besides in a week, you spend more time with these people than you spend with your family (or other friends) in a month. And the project is almost always longer than a week.

It's not something that anyone in the business doesn't expect. And it shouldn't be scary or weird or upsetting to anyone. There is a distance from life that is created in these circumstances  that takes one away from the normal day to day, into a world of wonder. A world where connections with others is felt on a level that differs from the mundane experience of a regular life.

We in that world all know that it's like a fantasy; it's temporary. It's other worldly in the sense that it's like being taken outside the reality of life and put onto an island far, far away where connections to the mainland melt away. 

But, please those who are new to this experience of being in this world, where you find a true connection to yourself (through a connection with another), don't be seduced into thinking that you can take that with you when you go back to life as we know it. It's reel-life, but not real-life in the way we normally think of it.

It's Showmance!

It's of that world, by that world and for that world. It may not survive outside of that world.

Pair off, 1,2...3?

How we choose our mate?

Think about it…really. With more than 40,000,000 sites available to singles, people must think a lot about this. I think understanding more about how we choose who we want to partner-up with, can help us recognize why certain relationships (of the romantic couple variety) are lasting – or not.

Not that I’m a big fan of limiting oneself to only one, one...but, for the sake of argument, let’s keep this simple and address this conversation to the vast number of people who are looking for a significant other to share time with. In a sort of committed or datey – I want to be with you, and only you, and nobody else but you – kind of way.

Widespread opinion (or is it just a myth?) says that common beliefs, interests or shared experience are important in an ongoing relationship. Maybe, maybe not, but many dating sites have made a mint on this idea. And although, it’s true that those factors often bring people together. Alas, this limited understanding of union, often it is not enough to keep a couple a couple (or together at all). 

Here are some examples of how those looking for love try to search: age, religion, political views, looks, hobbies, blah blah blah… and here are some samples of the kind of information you can find on the profiles of daters looking for love: “I love outdoor activities such as water sports, camping, baseball and playing pool”….SO WHAT? Sounds like he's looking for a companion, not a girlfriend. I mean, “Are you interesting?” Or how about this guy, who is looking for a soul mate – yikes: “I like the fresh air of the golf course and occasionally catching up with the latest cult movie.”  Impressive, yes?

Wouldn’t it be easy if that was all it took, just to have things in common to find your one and only? It’s a very seductive idea, indeed, and one that many marriages are based on. But it’s certainly not, well...that simple.  What happens when you life-partner gets bored, or sick, or has an allergic reaction to some shared common interest that was important in your relationship? Then what? What if as you both go through life, each of your values change; what was once considered a cornerstone of your connection becomes a source of strain -  because, that value is now only important to one of you and is seen as a ridiculous by the other? What if, as all people do, we each become more true to who we are as we gain experience – which inevitably brings us to new outlooks and worldviews? That can be disastrous to a committed relationship. And often is. Even if the relationship survives this, it’s often because one of the partners has to shut up or because they have something more than we look for on dating websites.

Chemistry (the spontaneous reaction of individuals to each other, especially a mutual sense of attraction or understanding), is what I think is most important. And honestly, I’ve not figured out how to determine the intensity of this kind of connection without meeting the person in person, which is one reason I’ve not tried the dating sites. (The other reason is that I’m not sure I believe in coupling.)

Nevertheless, chemistry is a visceral thing that occurs between two people when they’re in the same room. There can be no love at first sight if you’re not in the same room…even if you’re on the same website.

I heart America and I love the gays! (11/15/08)

So I had to sing a song...

Here I am standing with the Gays for equality, love and the right to be who you are without limits.

Beyond Convention

A lover recently put me off, because he started seeing another woman. He claims that he’s “no slave to convention” but I beg to differ.

He said he wanted to see me but, then...he used his concern that “she might not understand or appreciate our relationship” as a reason not to.

Guess he’s not really in charge of his own life. He’s definitely ruled by how the world views him not by what he wants or thinks. Or -- I'm wrong and maybe he is unconventional but his girl isn’t and he’s doesn’t want to start a fight.

At any rate, I do hate it when a man (or anyone for that matter) uses other people, or fear of another's judgment, to make their decisions. It’s just so un-empowering.

It was one of those moments that made me go...hmmmm...

There was so much I wanted to say.
But I didn’t.
I’m afraid my way of looking at the world is too sophisticated; it was simpler just to let it go.

See from my perspective, the fact that a lover of mine is seeing another woman is of no concern to me -- unless he’s inviting her to join us. And my sleeping with him is of no concern to her, unless he is ruled by conventional values.

But it did make me think about how people make choices in relationships, how much people exercise their freewill, and what comes into play in determining what their values are in relationships.

For me, I value each moment I get to spend with someone special. I don’t fret the small stuff (like if they are sleeping with someone else or if they have a wife) what difference does that make when we’re sharing a moment?

But many people determine the success of a significant relationship by what a person does (or doesn’t do) with others. They believe that being physically faithful is a value that gives meaning to their relationship.

My point is that what ever you do in a relationship, it's ok. It's your choice and you have to do what you're comfortable with. Just don't kid yourself, if you’re kicking someone out of your bed, because you’re afraid of what another will think...you are very traditional. It’s not a bad thing. But, if you are such a person, admit this to yourself, otherwise you end up looking and feeling foolish. Don’t pretend you’re able to live unconventionally if you can’t.

But don’t fret it, most people can’t. Most people are not comfortable with making their own rules. I know this because I do live outside the box. And as much as people “admire” my courage and precociousness, and are envious of me for having so much freedom. My freedom has a price. Most people can’t live with that price or don’t choose to.

The cost includes people being uncomfortable around me because of my lifestyle. My lack of attention to the traditional structure of relationships, threatens their sense of order.

It can be very difficult for people to live without rules to follow; rules that are set up by others or by tradition. Just like it can be difficult for those of us who do live outside social norms. We must carry the burden of being judged by rules that we feel do not apply.

But, I don't see being traditional as a failing, as long as the individual is aware of that fact about themselves. It’s only a failing if you fool yourself into thinking you are free from convention, when you’re not beyond convention.

The Rules of Fight Club: in relation to relationships

What's the 1st RULE?...
"You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB."
And the 2nd RULE?...
"You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB."

Pretty clear yes?
Well, we're talking about relationships here, so replace FIGHT CLUB with RELATIONSHIPS and you’re starting to understand the rules.
When you’re with someone, don’t talk about other relationships you have/had. It’s rude and unattractive, and a sure way to lose the fight.
Besides, it’s none of their business.

The 3rd RULE: "If someone says, 'stop' or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over."

So when someone says, “I’m not interested in pursuing this further,” or “I don’t want to fight no mo,” they shouldn’t have to say anything else. Once that is said, no one should have to continue to screen calls so as to avoid talking to another. And, you never have explain why, or convince the other that you’re serious about stopping.
And if you go limp...there can, obviously, be no more action.
It's over.

The 4th RULE: "Only two guys to a fight."

So that means, there are always only two of us.
Pair off for the fun. Only have one person with you at any given moment. (I’m talking literally here about how are in your bed at once*) Otherwise, it can get out of hand...

*Unless, of course, you agree to a threesome - which, quite honestly is not as interesting as it may sound – it’s a lot of work to keep up with more than one at a time. And it should not be work to play, right? So I generally stick to The 4th RULE.

The 5th RULE: "One fight at a time."

This is basically the same as above. (I don’t mix my men or have more than one with me at a time.) Too many egos involved make for too much competition among them to keep my attentions.
Plus, it increases the potential for someone to get hurt.
Keep it simple. One at a time, please.

The 6th RULE: "No shirts, no shoes."

Obviously! And no pants or socks either. (But boots and hats are sometimes fun…)

The 7th RULE: "Fights will go on as long as they have to."

Ok, that seems right. Both parties should have a chance to “win.”
Some may go on for an hour, one night, and some go on for a lifetime. Each fight (i.e relationship), like each man, is different in length.

The 8th RULE: "If this is your first night at FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight."

What are you waiting for? Many people feel that you should wait until the 3rd date, like it’s a magic number for getting intimate. I personally think that if you want to start something, there is no time like the present. The first night is, after all, the first night of the rest of your life.

And, don't forget that after a fight, there's nothing better than make-up sex!

Welcome to Fight Club!

If you really loved me you'd...

"... grow up and be more responsible...give up your friends because they are bad influences...talk more about your feelings...like the same things I like...believe the things I believe...be different than you are..."

Why do people feel that they should try to make someone they "love" be something else? Why, especially in a romantic relationship, do people feel that they have the right to ask someone to change?  The idea that this is justifiable because they're "together" is astonishing, yet so common. I believe that this is the #1 factor in bad breakups, failed marriages and...stalking.

After much field research, I've come to the conclusion that people who attempt to change others are riddled with self-doubt. Some people just don't know their own value and need external confirmation to prove their self-worth. Most times they feel justified in expecting their partner or potential partner (in a dating situation) to provide this for them. The tactics for this are often manipulative, but I think this comes from the fact that such individuals have blind spots in regards to their insecurities. They honestly don't see themselves as insecure or controlling or manipulative.

If their lack of self-worth is coupled with a lack of self-insight, things are not pretty. Because when their partner doesn't change, insecure people will put their partner down, rather than see their own lack of confidence. They focus on how they've "been wronged" and how the other person is the "bitch" or the "jerk" (there are definitely  bitches and jerks in the world - but that's a post for another day).

I believe the reason insecure people feel they're "wronged" in a relationship is 2-fold:

1. They're not looking at themselves, and 
2. They don't really want the person they hooked up with (they merely want a cheerleader).

Because insecure individuals are unable to generate sufficient feeling of confidence internally, they often look to others (primarily those close to them) to say or do things that will boost them up.

It's true that we all enjoy getting kudos from someone we care about; we enjoy others enjoying us. But if someone doesn't know their own worth, all the kudos in the world will not make up for that. It seems that the more insecure someone is, the higher the need to confirm their worth through others and the more specific they are about how others "should" be.

It's happened to me before and it's frustrating if I don't recognize what's going on. Let's face it, when I like somebody, I usually want them to like me back. But, in the end, I am who I am and if you don't like that, we're probably not a good match. Simple.

I'm not wrong for not being what someone else wants. And, they are not wrong for wanting someone different. But trying to make me into someone different will fail miserably, cause frustration on both sides, and end in disappointment.

Although I am open to listening to what someone wants or needs from me in a relationship, I won't become someone else FOR someone else. I won't, because I value who I am. If my beau of the day tries to change me...yikes!

The thing is, no one can give you confidence if you don't have it in you.
So these relationships always end badly.

Trying to change someone else always backfires. When a person is pushed by another to do (or be) something that they wouldn't do (or be) genuinely, any change in their behavior comes into question. You can never be sure that that person has "changed" of their own volition, or because they were pushed into it. So trust is out the window. And trust seems to be core to any lasting relationship.

Again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't ask another to treat them well or to do things that consider their feelings. I'm saying that when the actions of one person becomes a measure for another's self-value, the relationship becomes a game.  Any choices made within this dynamic are not authentic or trustworthy.

For myself, I cannot be in the company of those who are going to try to change me. Nor can I be with a man who wants to own me. Or connect with someone who is threatened by the fact that I rule my life. 

Attempts of others to push me in directions that are not authentic to me, will end up pushing me away.