red's world

The Rules of Fight Club: in relation to relationships

What's the 1st RULE?...
"You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB."
And the 2nd RULE?...
"You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB."

Pretty clear yes?
Well, we're talking about relationships here, so replace FIGHT CLUB with RELATIONSHIPS and you’re starting to understand the rules.
When you’re with someone, don’t talk about other relationships you have/had. It’s rude and unattractive, and a sure way to lose the fight.
Besides, it’s none of their business.

The 3rd RULE: "If someone says, 'stop' or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over."

So when someone says, “I’m not interested in pursuing this further,” or “I don’t want to fight no mo,” they shouldn’t have to say anything else. Once that is said, no one should have to continue to screen calls so as to avoid talking to another. And, you never have explain why, or convince the other that you’re serious about stopping.
And if you go limp...there can, obviously, be no more action.
It's over.

The 4th RULE: "Only two guys to a fight."

So that means, there are always only two of us.
Pair off for the fun. Only have one person with you at any given moment. (I’m talking literally here about how are in your bed at once*) Otherwise, it can get out of hand...

*Unless, of course, you agree to a threesome - which, quite honestly is not as interesting as it may sound – it’s a lot of work to keep up with more than one at a time. And it should not be work to play, right? So I generally stick to The 4th RULE.

The 5th RULE: "One fight at a time."

This is basically the same as above. (I don’t mix my men or have more than one with me at a time.) Too many egos involved make for too much competition among them to keep my attentions.
Plus, it increases the potential for someone  to get hurt.
Keep it simple. One at a time, please.

The 6th RULE: "No shirts, no shoes."

Obviously! And no pants or socks either. (But boots and hats are sometimes fun…)

The 7th RULE: "Fights will go on as long as they have to."

Ok, that seems right. Both parties should have a chance to “win.”
Some may go on for an hour, one night, and some go on for a lifetime. Each fight (i.e relationship), like each man, is different in length.

The 8th RULE: "If this is your first night at FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight."

What are you waiting for? Many people feel that you should wait until the 3rd date, like it’s a magic number for getting intimate. I personally think that if you want to start something, there is no time like the present. The first night is, after all, the first night of the rest of your life.

And, don't forget that after a fight, there's nothing better than make-up sex!

Welcome to Fight Club!

If you really loved me you'd...

"... grow up and be more responsible...give up your friends because they are bad influences...talk more about your feelings...like the same things I like...believe the things I believe...be different than you are..."

Why do people feel that they should try to make someone they "love" be something else? Why, especially in a romantic relationship, do people feel that they have the right to ask someone to change?  The idea that this is justifiable because they're "together" is astonishing, yet so common. I believe that this is the #1 factor in bad breakups, failed marriages and...stalking.

After much field research, I've come to the conclusion that people who attempt to change others are riddled with self-doubt. Some people just don't know their own value and need external confirmation to prove their self-worth. Most times they feel justified in expecting their partner or potential partner (in a dating situation) to provide this for them. The tactics for this are often manipulative, but I think this comes from the fact that such individuals have blind spots in regards to their insecurities. They honestly don't see themselves as insecure or controlling or manipulative.

If their lack of self-worth is coupled with a lack of self-insight, things are not pretty. Because when their partner doesn't change, insecure people will put their partner down, rather than see their own lack of confidence. They focus on how they've "been wronged" and how the other person is the "bitch" or the "jerk" (there are definitely  bitches and jerks in the world - but that's a post for another day).

I believe the reason insecure people feel they're "wronged" in a relationship is 2-fold:

1. They're not looking at themselves, and 
2. They don't really want the person they hooked up with (they merely want a cheerleader).

Because insecure individuals are unable to generate sufficient feeling of confidence internally, they often look to others (primarily those close to them) to say or do things that will boost them up.

It's true that we all enjoy getting kudos from someone we care about; we enjoy others enjoying us. But if someone doesn't know their own worth, all the kudos in the world will not make up for that. It seems that the more insecure someone is, the higher the need to confirm their worth through others and the more specific they are about how others "should" be.

It's happened to me before and it's frustrating if I don't recognize what's going on. Let's face it, when I like somebody, I usually want them to like me back. But, in the end, I am who I am and if you don't like that, we're probably not a good match. Simple.

I'm not wrong for not being what someone else wants. And, they are not wrong for wanting someone different. But trying to make me into someone different will fail miserably, cause frustration on both sides, and end in disappointment.

Although I am open to listening to what someone wants or needs from me in a relationship, I won't become someone else FOR someone else. I won't, because I value who I am. If my beau of the day tries to change me...yikes!

The thing is, no one can give you confidence if you don't have it in you.
So these relationships always end badly.

Trying to change someone else always backfires. When a person is pushed by another to do (or be) something that they wouldn't do (or be) genuinely, any change in their behavior comes into question. You can never be sure that that person has "changed" of their own volition, or because they were pushed into it. So trust is out the window. And trust seems to be core to any lasting relationship.

Again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't ask another to treat them well or to do things that consider their feelings. I'm saying that when the actions of one person becomes a measure for another's self-value, the relationship becomes a game.  Any choices made within this dynamic are not authentic or trustworthy.

For myself, I cannot be in the company of those who are going to try to change me. Nor can I be with a man who wants to own me. Or connect with someone who is threatened by the fact that I rule my life. 

Attempts of others to push me in directions that are not authentic to me, will end up pushing me away.

Getting Caught is the Measure of the Man

I’ve had numerous relationships with men and I understand the dynamics of relationships with men who are already involved with another woman at the time we choose to come together.

When I choose to do this, I go into this with my eyes wide open. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t pretend that the rest of the world — or his girlfriend, if she’s not secure in their relationship and she finds out — is going to understand that my relationship with him has nothing to do with her.

But, people get weird about sex and possessive about their partners (especially when it comes to acts of intimacy).

However, I admit that when a man wants to have his Cake and his Cupcake too, I have been know to be open to being his delicious Cupcake if he possesses certain qualities:

1.  He has his head on straight regarding the relationship boundaries.

2.  He is respectful of me and of our time together.

3.  He is hot. 

Why not?

What I do with him is between us, not anyone else.

If he tries to bring his other relationships up when we’re together  – I quickly lose respect for him. I have no use for continuing a relationship with someone who is focusing on guilt or worried about “getting caught.” As soon as that fear (or reality) rears its ugly head, he is no longer sharing moments with me.

He is lost. 

And, although, I’m a sensitive person, I cannot save anyone.

I don’t look to engage with cowards, and I don't like it when a guy back peddles because someone else is not in favor of him being with me. I have no problem with him telling me straight-out, “This isn't working for me.” (I know that not everyone can live outside the box the way I do.) But I do have a problem with him saying “I can’t do this because someone else found out and doesn’t like it.”

I want to scream, “Pleeeease! Stand up and be a man! Make your own decisions – don’t blame your change of heart on someone else. You knew from the start that there was a risk, so actually getting caught is, well, not my problem.”

The real question here is: Why do something you can’t live with?

I believe that if you can't live with your decisions, it's time to do something different. If you can’t live with the consequences of your actions (should another become aware of your behavior), DON’T DO IT!

Perhaps some men are fearful of actually being in charge of their own decisions.

These are the victims. . . victims to their lives; these are the ones who let life happen to them and never feel that they have any options. I guess it must give them comfort to blame someone else for their decisions.

Myself, I find it manipulative and irritating. Because, if you have ever been on the receiving end of someone living out of fear of “getting caught”, you are often mistreated (or worse blamed) and then expected to be understanding to their dilemma.

I have little tolerance for someone who thinks they can use their life-circumstances or other relationships as an excuse to be thoughtless towards someone else. 

I believe that we all make choices and we all create our lives. Those who are driven by fear of their own power are destined to feel unfulfilled. Many times their unwillingness to take responsibility is expressed as, "having a hard time," "feeling confused," "going through a tough time,” or “feeling guilty”. Either way, it's not a very appealing attribute when it becomes a way of life.

I try to be aware of a man’s tendency to think this way before I let him in my bed, but sometimes I just don’t see it. Sometimes they convincingly portray someone they are not: Someone who will stand up and be a man about his choices and his life.

Relationship Math

I don't know about you, but I start to feel encumbered when a man is more enamored with me than I am with him. And yet, there is something quite appealing about someone being smitten with you -- don't you think?

Even when your feelings aren't reciprocal, it's easy to be enticed by someone who finds you enchanting. But all too often it becomes -- well -- captivating. And I don't like feeling caged.

When I'm seduced by another's infatuation with me (because it make me feel so special), but I don't have the same intensity about them, I start feeling edgy. All too quickly -- it starts to feel like he wants to change me, and he does want me to change . . . my feelings towards him. I start to feel obligated to try to have special feelings, even if it's not true or even possible.

One thing I know for myself is that when I start to feel anxious in a relationship, it’s usually because I’m not being true to my own experience of that relationship.  This is a sign that it’s time to let it go. (I believe this principal holds true for all relationships -- not just romance.)

For me, it usually starts by making a list of all his great qualities - justifying why I'm still spending time with a guy who is clearly a mismatch for me. And as a result I find myself ignoring the here and now and missing my life. We all know how well that works. . .  it's a dead end. I've found that it's better to cut your losses, call it a day, and thank him for all the nice things he did and said.

When I try to balance the good against bad on the allegorical "relationship spreadsheet" - well, I always come up short. Because, as I'm doing this, I'm already not in it... I'm already gone.

I believe that relationships are a celebration of who we are with others. They should never be about changing the other person -- if they are then the relationship is with someone who doesn’t exist.

It all boils down to a simple equation, when you start weighing the pros and cons. . . it' time to go. If it was right and true you wouldn't be sending time doing the math, you'd be spending the time delighting in the wonder of the people you are together.

So remember this formula: 

Pros x Cons = Goodbye.

Live in the Him and Now

So many men, so little time . . . seriously, what I love about men is the way they make me feel when we’re together. When I’m with each man, in that moment,
I’m only with him . . .
(music begins)
and it is magical and amazing every time.

I love each one of my men truly in that slice of time we share. And when I’m there, with him, he’s the only man in my life.

I put all of my heart into it -- I'm not one for living halfway.

The bonus for being invested in the moments we share, is that I expreience the joy of loving them deeply when we're together. That’s my way. And it allows me to feel incredible . . . if but for precious, precious moments.
(music fades)

So, remember, you can have intimate relationships, no matter how many men are in your bed. . . as long as you truly let yourself experience (just) him, (in the) now.

When is NEVER?

Why do men who are involved in relationships (living with their girlfriend or married), always say, "I never do this," while they're trying to get down your pants?

My question to them is:

                    "Is never happening right now?"

What exactly does that phrase mean and why is it so important for them to say it - every time - just before we're about to...?

Come on, I'm not stupid, I know that they say this to make themselves feel better and/or to flatter me. But, if I'm thinking of sleeping with a man, they don't have to say anything to get me there.

Men, in this situation, generally preface this statement with: "I know everyone says this but. . ." (Yeah, they all do say it.) So what makes him think that his saying it is going to have some special significance; or that I care.

When I hear the "I never do this" phrase, I always wonder:

• Is the implication that they are "breaking a rule" for me. (If that's the case: "Hey, thanks for the insight.")
• Are they saying that I influence them do things outside their normal M.O. ("Wow, I'm a lucky girl! I help you change your ways!")
• Does it mean they feel guilty about having an affair and need to justify it by saying it's not a pattern? ("Really? Ok. . . so. . .what?")
• Or does it mean that they think I'm special? (I have to say, If I'm about to sleep with a man - no matter what his other relationships are - I'm already figuring that "I'm special.")

It's just not impressive (to me) to be the first gal a man has been with outside his marriage (or serious relationship). I'm a very open person and I make it easy for them. Trust me, the men saying this to me are not the first I've had that are attached to another. I just don't see the conflict . . . which is another story and we'll cover later.

For me it's not a matter of believing or disbelieving the statement It a matter of finding the statement annoying and unnecessary.

I say: "So what?" that he's never done this before - I have, and I have no shame or embarrassment about it.

Would it mean something different to me, if he had done it before? ---- NO, because he would have done it with somebody else.

So, to these men who are looking to break boundaries:

Save the line for your own time -- when you're with me -- kiss me fiercely and hold me tight. You can justify your actions to yourself, by yourself. I don't need to know and, I promise, I won't be the one standing in judgment. . . 

I'll be the one enjoying our time together -- for what it is -- without the need for explanation or justification.

Your time is up. . .Next!

I believe that some people are only meant to be in your life for a short time. All too often we try to make something different than what it is -- or stretch it out for longer than we should. When, if only we'd left it alone and not tried to stay together or gone back to something that was only a momentary thing, we'd have fond and beautiful memories, instead of resentment and sadness.

This is why I always believe that it is ever so important to live only in the moment in all aspects of life, including our relationships. And, be honest and up-front from the start.

There are times, we all know, when we spend time with someone with no intention of ever seeing them again once the fun is over. We've all done it, haven't we? And those of you who say you haven't, either have not truly lived, or have been lying to yourselves. Granted you may not sleep with them all, like I do. But you've had this expreience with someone in your life when you knew from the beginning that it would go nowhere.

Anyway, back to the up-front, honest part -- I tell the guys that I'm with for only a night, that I don't want them to call me or not to give me their number. It may seem harsh, but I consider honesty more loving and respectful than deceiving the other person.

I really believe that if there is potential, we know it from the start. At least that's true for me. I don't fall in love over time: I fall fast and hard, or not at all. I'm either really attached, or not at all. That's the beauty of me. I'm either one way or the other (and sometimes both).

So, instead of drawing things out -- because of habit, guilt, or whatnot -- don't waste time. Allow yourself to do the loving thing and respect the other by moving on . . . Next!