Relationships

Relationship Math

Balancethumb_2 I don't know about you, but I start to feel encumbered when a man is more enamored with me than I am with him. And yet, there is something quite appealing about someone being smitten with you -- don't you think?

Even when your feelings aren't reciprocal, it's easy to be enticed by someone who finds you enchanting. But all too often it becomes -- well -- captivating. And I don't like feeling caged.

When I'm seduced by another's infatuation with me (because it make me feel so special), but I don't have the same intensity about them, I start feeling edgy. All too quickly -- it starts to feel like he wants to change me, and he does want me to change . . . my feelings towards him. I start to feel obligated to try to have special feelings, even if it's not true or even possible.

One thing I know for myself is that when I start to feel anxious in a relationship, it’s usually because I’m not being true to my own experience of that relationship.  This is a sign that it’s time to let it go. (I believe this principal holds true for all relationships -- not just romance.)

For me, it usually starts by making a list of all his great qualities - justifying why I'm still spending time with a guy who is clearly a mismatch for me. And as a result I find myself ignoring the here and now and missing my life. We all know how well that works. . .  it's a dead end. I've found that it's better to cut your losses, call it a day, and thank him for all the nice things he did and said.

When I try to balance the good against bad on the allegorical "relationship spreadsheet" - well, I always come up short. Because, as I'm doing this, I'm already not in it... I'm already gone.

I believe that relationships are a celebration of who we are with others. They should never be about changing the other person -- if they are then the relationship is with someone who doesn’t exist.

It all boils down to a simple equation, when you start weighing the pros and cons. . . it' time to go. If it was right and true you wouldn't be spending time doing the math, you'd be spending the time delighting in the wonder of the people you are together.Blackboard_math_2

So remember this formula: 

Pros x Cons = Goodbye.