Red's World

Sex, Love, and Intimacy

BTW, I'm a Sexpert. We'll go into my qualifications another time. For now trust me, I am qualified! And because I can, I want to share my sexpertise.

I'm going to start by clarifying the meaning of terms we use - specifically Sex, Love and Intimacy. These words are sometimes confusing when we lump them together because they share similar qualities.

To better understand ourselves as sexual beings, I believe that it's important to know the specifics of each term and how they are related and not related.

I'll start with the definitions.

Sex: (As a behavior, not the gender) The act of intercourse and/or oral stimulation. Often includes caressing erogenous zones and, of course, making-out or “sucking face.”

Intimacy: (In reference to emotional intimacy) The experience of shared moments, best understood as those feelings of closeness, safety, trust and transparency when we have a shared experience with others.

Love: The strong affection and profound tenderness that we feel toward another person. Intense and ineffable, this feeling is defined by the euphoria we feel when we are with or think about the loved one. It is beautiful and present.

How do these concepts are interrelated.

Here's the tricky part: Because the experience of love, sex and intimacy have similar attributes, confusion is understandable. Sex with another is an intense, present experience (like love). The act of sex (like intimacy) is a shared experience.  Intimate feelings may be connected with sexual arousal but it is not the same thing. You can see where I'm going with this...

Because people often associate these experiences together, it's easy to see how they mistake one for another. We tend to define actions by the emotions we attach to them. When emotions (such as love) are tied with physical experiences (such as sex), it can seem like the emotions and the actions are one in the same.

It becomes more confusing when people attach morals and social constructs to such experiences.  Once “right and wrong” or “good and bad” are connected with a behavior (like sex), people strive to find the right way to do it.

If we believe that sex without love is bad (and we don’t think of ourselves as bad) than we’ll convince ourselves that sex and love are one; OR we'll judge those who have sex without love, as wrong.

Sex can be an expression of love, but it isn’t love. Intimacy can coincide with sex, but sexual interaction is not necessarily an intimate experience – sometimes it’s just pure physical pleasure.

Confusing sex with love creates myths, causing confusion about the truth of sex, love and intimacy. Judging loveless sex as bad ignores the reality of what sex is and hurts people by creating sexual superstitions that are used to scrutinized others for doing a natural thing - connecting physically.

In my years of research, I've found that it is the variety of experiences we have, and how we emotionally frame these experiences, that make connecting with one another so exciting. But mind yourself, be clear about what you're getting into when you find yourself in a potentially intimate, sexual or loving connection. And know the difference.

Just because sex, love and intimacy have the potential for cumming at the same time, doesn't mean they should or that they will.

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Sexy Christmas: T'was The Night Before seX-Mas

Never being traditional, and always being naughty (in such a nice way), here's my new take on an old X-mas poem: T'was the night before seX-mas...
                                   well, just play it and you'll see!

RSS Readers go here to view movie

Merry seX-mas!

Kisses,

 Red

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Red's World •  Red's Best • Red Says •  Me • Sex T's Shop • Contact

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Sex T's: just for fun

Hey there, do you like sex? Do you wear T-shirts? Underwear? Sweatshirts? Or hats?

Well, I have news for you...

Sex T's is now up and running, Hooray! Finally something we can all enjoy! Myself, and my life partner (in the business way), Pamela May, have used our sexpertise to create Sex T's.

Often confused with "Sex Tease", Sex T's is a T-shirt company that celebrates sex and fun. Our creative artwork is inspired by a myriad of zany sexual activities -- presented in an exciting and new hair-brained fashion. It's just for fun!

Not only do we carry apparel, we also have fun, sexy gift ideas. Everything from coffee mugs to license plate covers; buttons to banners - even stuffed animals.

Check out our Sex T's Store and be a Sex T's, just for fun!

Kisses, Red

The Other Woman

Ok, I admit it, I have been the other woman.

And I've learned a great deal about relationships, loyalty, love and commitment through my clandestine connections. I've run across issues that my lovers' life-mates (and those outside the world of breaking boundaries) do not generally understand. And I've run into those who would rather pretend that I, and women like me, don't exist at all.

Be that as it may, I'll share some secrets of being a paramour.

There are those that value stability and sharing day to day life with another -- They are not made for this lifestyle. And there are those who believe that because another woman in the picture, his marriage is doomed or that he really doesn't care for her -- They do not see the whole picture.

But those that know how to be the other woman, know how to be with a man that is considered "unavailable". They go into it with open eyes and an understanding for the special circumstances of such an arrangement. They accept the unavoidable schedule limitations of this unique situation; never take his time for granted or his lack of time personally. And there is a great respect for the risks, with an appreciation for what they share; what it means to be with him.

Ultimately, there is a purity about this position because the relationship is not complicated by life issues and circumstances. They come together entirely by choice and nothing else; No duty binds them.

No need to talk about the future or the past, only the joy of living completely with each other in the present. It's a gift to be completely in the moment with another, who, under different circumstances, might find their connection overwhelming.

See, a true mistress is not looking to have what he has with his mate; nor is she hopeful that he'll come to her completely -- unencumbered by his committed relationship. She's not with him to change him, his obligations, or his world. She's not vying for any other position in his life besides that of his mistress. If she is, well, she should reconsider - because that is a different kind of relationship all together. We'll talk about being a home wrecker in another post, this one is about the other woman in extramarital affair as a legitimate relationship choice.

She is with him because she enjoys what they experience together and doesn't believe that changing his life will enhance the moments they share; In fact, that would only complicate things between them, causing them to lose the purity of their intentions towards each other.

Above all, their time together is more precious - because it is quality, and in rare quantity.

For those who value the free choice; the excitement of clandestine connections; and the thrill of letting go of everything to share stolen moments within which is found a glimpse of eternity, being the other woman is not a bad position to be in.

The Opposite Sex

So which sex is the opposite one?  And does that mean we're opposing? Like black and white, good and bad, thin and fat? Are we on opposite sides - like sports teams or battle ships?

But really, what makes us think that men and women are opposites?

Are we opposite because we have different equipment (where it counts - and that's a good thing, yes)? Are we opposite because the act of having physical pleasure differs for each sex (i.e. women have to relax to have an orgasm while men have an orgasm to relax)? Are we opposite because we behave at times with opposite motives? Are we from different ends of the emotional spectrum? Women being seen as more nurturing and caring and emotional (according to traditional standards) men being more independent and strong and rational (like that's a fact). None of these aspects are truly opposite...with the exception of what's between our legs! 

As women we're raised differently than men. Because we are...different. But some differences we're brought up to believe as facts may not necessarily be truth. However, because we've been taught to focus on our differences, we often act as if the other gender is an alien that we cannot possibly understand. 

Men and women are distinct, yet when we take into account all aspects of being human, defining our gender difference as opposite is, in fact, a misnomer. Different? Yes. Opposite? No way!

We're probably more similar than not, even though we differ in some very important ways. Ways that make coming together very exciting. Like pieces of a grand puzzle that makes the world go around.

Or -- it could be that "opposite sex" refers to some physical act that I've not been privy to (an unlikely scenario). But I think it's just a left over term from back in the day, "When Men were Men and Women were Women." And an easy way to say, "not the same gender as me".

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Painting credited to: Laurie Zagon

The Rules of Engagement

Maybe the world's not ready for me...or maybe it's just hard to be easy.

I've had many kinds of relationships, love affairs and connections, so I speak from experience. And I speak as a woman who loves to be cherished and respects that there are all kinds of ways of being with others.

What I share here is meant as no disrespect to those who are more traditionally grounded in marriage or relationships...it's simply another take on extramarital activities. One that respects the fact that infidelity has a legitimate place in marriage. After all, it's been a part of the marriage experience for centuries.

So here's some thoughts I've had in regards to the age-old question...how do we engage in an affair and give it the respect it's due?

When a man has an affair, the "affairee" (i.e. other woman, mistress, paramour) is his secret fling, his private liaison, his covert lover - the one who makes the world go away with moments of passion.

I'm talking about an affair that doesn't threaten his marriage; the kind where the liaison never leaves the bedroom and doesn't become more than an extracurricular activity. I'm not talking about an affair of the heart that potentially interferes with the marriage commitment.

In the position of his mistress, I've sometimes had to listen to his dreams that are not related to what we share. However, when I find myself listening to concerns and fears that are directly related to what he’s afraid of losing because of what we have, he has broken one of the rules of engagement; that of respecting the boundaries of our relationship. When he frets about his fears regarding our rendezvous, the nature of our connection changes;  it becomes burdensome rather than freeing.  It is a warning that he should not be engaged in this affair.

The tell-"tail" signs that he should not be having an affair:

• He confuses what we share with his life situation and other obligations.
• He becomes increasingly concerned about consequences of our play.
• He feels guilt or shame about the connection we have...

If these signs are present...he has to go, because he's no longer with me anyway -- even when we're together. Because at this point, being with me becomes a pressure-filled reminder of his "improprieties", rather than carefree moments that provide relief from the demands of the outside world, other relationships and life expectations.

When he starts to feel that what we are doing is "wrong", then that is exactly what it becomes. He creates his own reality in this way. Inadvertently (probably unconsciously), he starts to judge and blame me for his discomfort with our relationship and he begins to resent me for it.

And when he does this, it's time to let go, kick him out of my bed and move on. I cannot waste my time being with someone who:

• Does not celebrate our moments of timelessness.
• Brings outside, unrelated issues to my bedchamber.
• Has beliefs about relationships that are archaic or puritanical.

These will ultimately destroy the purity of our connection to one another. Don't misunderstand; I know my place in the affair chain of command. I don't expect him to live out-loud with me, but I do expect that we'll enjoy the experience together, privately.

I cannot, will not, be his playmate if he becomes paranoid and takes it out on me. It's disrespectful of me, and the legitimate extramarital relationship we share.  If he cannot handle being with me, it is certainly not because I don't make it easy for him, it is because he makes it hard (and not in the good way).

So, remember all you little "affairees", being the other woman, does not make you a doormat for him to wipe his guilty feet on -  because he feels dirty.

For him to be lucky enough to enjoy your company, he has to follow the rules of engagement and respect the affair for the treasure it is.

Red's Sexy "Poles"

Answer the polls below to see how comfortable you are with your sexiness. . .

What the answers to these polls mean in relation to your sexual comfort is beyond me...but wasn't that fun?!?

Call me a Red-Headed Slut

According to WikipediA: Slut is a pejorative term for a person (usually female) who is more sexually promiscuous than is deemed socially acceptable. The term has traditionally been applied to women and is generally used as an insult or offensive term of disparagement.

What I don’t understand is why being a slut has gotten such a bad rap?

So, I’d like to challenge the negative association with that word by associating myself with it.

I love men. I love them dearly! I have enjoyed many of them in my time. Some have been with me for a night; some are with me for a lifetime.

See, I need a lot of attention. I need more attention than the average person, as a matter of fact; I need more attention than 5 people. So . . . there's been many men, boyfriends. And it works like this: If one guy is too busy to see me, I can always see one of my other boyfriends. No one feels pressure, and I get what I need – constant male attention.

On the flip side, I’m a very busy lady and sometimes I don’t have the free time to get together with anyone. Having a roster of men guarantees that when I do have a free night, at least one of my many men will be available to me. It’s all about give and take – right?

This lifestyle provides much variety, so I never get bored.

Although I am far from uptight; some might say "loose." I am particular about who I invite into my fold.   

I live outside the parameters of social norms because it makes sense for me. 

I don't apologize for who or what I am. In fact, I celebrate it.  I just have a lot of love to give and I refuse to limit myself based on what others deem socially unacceptable. I don’t think anyone should.

So yes, you can call me a slut -- in the best sense of the word -- "joyfully promiscuous".

I truly enjoying my life, my art and my men.

Or call me a Tart. If that's more "palatable". After all, a tart is a tasty treat – just like me.

According to  WikipediA: A tart is a pastry dish, usually sweet, similar to a pie, but different in that the top is open and not covered with pastry.

Disclaimer: This is a blog post! It's meant for fun, and to challenge the way people think, NOT to invite weirdos. So, if you're weird and freaky, please go to another site to stalk someone. I'm not available to you.

Safety First: addressing pubic health issues

As our nation focuses more on Health and Public Safety, the fact that Americans are having shameless, joyful sex has resulted in programs to insure that every sex-loving individual can have more fun with less danger. We can now get condoms as party prizes handed out for free at bars, coffee-shops, movies and even public transportation. Thus making a safer environment for all with less fear of the distasteful condition of having children or undesirable STD's.

But what's an active woman to do? I mean, one never knows what size he'll be until the moment of truth. And what happens if he's bigger (or smaller) than any of the condoms she in her collection (which any smart, playful woman should have with her at any given moment).

What's a woman to do to insure that "the shoe fits"?

Well, over the past few years a miracle in Public Health and Safety has occurred with the development of the Spray-On Condom. Although it's still in the testing phase by a German Inventor, the Spray-On Condom is being developed so it can fit any Dick.

All the man has to do is puts his erect penis in a phallic shaped chamber (see photo →) which acts much like a car wash with many spray heads to spray the liquid latex evenly. Once the latex is dry (about 20 seconds) it's ready for use. Some men worry about how to removed it but apparently it just slips off, like conventional rubbers, once the game is over.

This may sound unromantic, but back in ancient times lovers thought that using a regular condom was too technical and unnatural to be fun in bed. Nowadays, any woman who's been with a skilled lover (or any woman who's skilled herself in the craft of love-glove handling) knows that putting on a condom does not have to interrupt the flow of activity. In fact, it can be a playful part of the foreplay.

So why can't the Spray-On Condom add to the fun while it increases safety for all sex-loving individuals by creating a custom condom for every man. Stay tuned for updates on when this product becomes available on the market.

In the meantime, please, for the safety and well being of the petting-public, go out and get all the free condoms you can use (and be prepared for all shapes and sizes). And do continue to encourage innovations in safe sex products!

Who says the buying public are prudes?...Not the advertisers!

I don't know how many of you are subway riders in NYC but even if you're not, I'm sure you're seeing what I'm seeing in your area on billboards. Over the past few months, I've been impressed with the ad campaigns I've seen in the subway cars. Using our human love of sex and need for physical contact to sell products is nothing new. But these ads don’t even try to disguise it as their strategy. It’s admirable.

Advertising has always used sexual desire and potential success in the sex-arena as allure to promote products. But in the past it’s always been more understated or subconscious in the messaging. These ads are in your face, Get Physical Now! And I, for one, am relieved about that.

About a month ago, I started seeing Dentyne Gum adds with the tag line “Make Face Time” – with references to getting off the Internet and connecting directly with people. With the increasing trend of people “Facebooking” or “Myspacing” each other – even texting – rather than talking, the message is it’s currently relevant. But the connections that are portrayed in these ads photos are beyond talking; it’s the physical connection of lip locking and lying on top of each other that are front and center.  

Way to go Dentyne! Thank you for not messing around with the “start chewing and messing around” message that you’re attaching to your brand. And I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve been buying more Dentyne and rolling around (I mean, “making face time” with others) as a result!  ;)

But to top these ads, Remy Martin has come out with the “Things Are Getting Interesting” campaigned on the same subway cars.  And they’ve gone even further in their push to associate their product with sex. Photos suggesting girl-on-girl bondage and threesomes are prominently displayed, for all to see and enjoy.

     

Let’s face it; we’ve all been involved in sexual encounters resulting from alcohol consumption. (And if you haven’t, I’m sorry – try some Remy and you’ll understand the magic of these experiences.) So the ad is based in truth, which is what makes it so shocking and so wonderful.

Truth in advertising?...A law? Yes.
A common practice?...Generally, No!

But the Remy Martin ad campaign says, through it’s pictures and tag line, what we already know to be true. What we already know will happen when we drink fabulous alcoholic beverages. It's Brilliant!!!

Hat’s off (and clothes too) to both of these fun-filled ad campaigns.
Now go out there, pour yourself a drink, chew some gum and have some fun!!