red's world

Don't be a Pretender

To congruently express who you are through your actions and behavior, that's the trick!

How many of us pretend to be something we're not so we can have something we wouldn't have otherwise?

It's easy to say, "don't pretend" but if your find that by giving up pretending, you lose the very thing you love the most...what choice do you make?

When you fear that expressing who you are to others will either hurt them or hurt you (or both), do you find yourself pretending, rather than being truthful? And what do you gain by that?

When I say, “don’t be a pretender” I mean: Don't put a mask on for those around you in an attempt to get their approval or love. But what I'm consumed with now is the kind of pretending we do because we are -- afraid. Maybe it comes from insecurity, but we often pretend because we believe that it’s the best (or only) option under the given circumstances. We do it in order to protect others (or more accurately - protect ourselves from the reactions of others).

Sometimes, life seems too complicated to manage with honesty -- especially when we don’t trust that those around us are strong enough to handle the raw truth, or we fear that we won’t get what we want if we don’t pretend. But when you pretend, you run the risk of being seen as someone or something you're not. It then becomes impossible to know if those that surround you really know you or just love who they think you are. Even when we think we are getting away with pretending... others can always tell, even if we fool ourselves.

So, I believe that it's important to know who you are and what you stand for; to know what you believe and value. And yes, I believe that being able to express that with consistency is essential. Because if you don’t, it’s confusing.  It's a tangled web - one which we've all been caught up in at one time or another.

But, I've realized of late, that there is no circumstance so complicated that we cannot choose how we deal with it honestly. Nothing is beyond our control when it comes to how we present ourselves to others. Sometimes, it may seem that we are required to appear be something other than we are (like an undercover agent - let's say) and we find ourselves doing things differently than we otherwise would because we feel it's in the best interest of others.  But this often has unforeseen consequences - because it puts us in a position of dishonesty.

I believe that being true to yourself, no matter what others make of it, is the best choice. I do it myself...mostly. Seriously, how many of us are really living the life of an undercover agent? Those of us who believe in truth and trust ourselves, don't usually have a legitimate reason to be (or pretend to be) anything other than what/who we are. Unless... we're actors/actresses on the stage - or children playing make believe.

Don't get me wrong, I know that discretion is called for from time to time. And I am a good secret keeper. And when it doesn’t serve the ultimate truth to fully disclose who I am in a given situation, I'm great at pretending. It’s simply a fact of life, there are times when keeping myself to myself is the smarter decision. In circumstances where telling the truth puts others in harms way; or when one is compelled to confess a transgression purely for the sake of clearing one's conscience - pretending might be a better choice. Ironically, honestly is not always the best policy. However, just because there are finite times in life when it is more respectful to be less than honest, pretending as a way of life is not a good choice - because that just makes you a lair.

Think about it...Is it really fair, to you or those you love, to live the life of a pretender? It takes such an effort; the energy to keep up false appearances draining. So, if you find that you're in a situation where you're have to pretend that you feel differently than you do; or that you are satisfied when you're not; or that you are complete when you deny an essential aspects of yourself...honestly, think about it. 

The more authentically we live, the closer we are to getting authentic responses from others.

I have, when I've cared deeply about another, found myself pretending to a point of being compelled to disregard some truths about myself. It's a easy trap to fall into because when things go unacknowledged, we can more easily ignore them. It's easier to deny the impact of things (or to deny that certain events occurred at all), if we pretend something is insignificant. Humans can live with almost anything because of our ability think our way out of things. And when the truth is too difficult to assimilate into our way of thinking -- or too painful to face without a way to guard against it -- we all pretend. 

But, pretending doesn't change the truth, it only help us hide from it - or hides the truth from ourselves, or others.

Denying who we are (even if it seems justified), ultimately, doesn't work -- because we humans are wired to be congruent and consistent. Pretending is only effective for a limited amount of a time before we are forced to face the reality of any situation if we are going to live genuinely and freely.

I think we all know this on some level - it's why certain situations (one's that require more pretending than truth) make us anxious or uneasy. We can all lie to world. We all have the capacity to put on a show that makes us look good, but ultimately, we cannot lie to ourselves. Eventually, that catches up with us and wears us down, making things that are real seem very far from our reach. 

Pretending, when left to the stage and to children it is a brilliant gift that inspires imagination and dreams. It can open up a world of possibilities; it's imagining and believing in our remarkable potential as creative beings. But this kind of pretending is not what I'm talking about when I discourage the idea of being "a pretender".

Because being who we are - front and center - is the most effective way to know that we are appreciated (and the best way to appreciate ourselves), when we stop our presences, we stand on more solid ground. Pretending can result in life becoming just a series of tasks, rather than a world of wonder. So, don't cheat yourself. People may not always like who we are, what we do, or the choices we make - but at least we know exactly what we're dealing with and where we stand with others.  For me, that's the easier path in the end.

Don't be a pretender, especially with yourself.

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Never Settle

No matter what the situation or circumstances in life, most of us are taught to compromise in order to get what we want (or what we are told we can have). We’re encouraged to be satisfied with the way things are. If we not, we’re labeled as ungrateful or entitled. We're seen as ‘expecting too much.’ We believe that ‘good enough’ is the best we can expect; we make due, because we think that to want more is unrealistic.

I do not think that wanting more is unrealistic, but I do believe that we often convince ourselves that it is. 

When we believe that we shouldn't expect too much, we protect ourselves from disappointment by lowering our expectations. So, we settle for things that are not completely fulfilling. We tell ourselves that anything more - is impossible. Thus, generating a life of mediocrity. By not allowing ourselves to expect more, we relegate ourselves to a life in which ‘having it all’ cannot happen. 

What we expect, is what we get. We stay safe by closing ourselves off to a better option because we’re afraid it's not available to us or that it may not exist at all; or that the path to get to it is, well - too wrought with strife or too difficult or too - whatever...unreachable. 

I don’t believe that living life halfway is what life is about. For me, that is not enough.

It’s not that I’ve never lived by the rules, or believed that I’m asking too much to want more. It's not that I've never been afraid to hope because I might face disappointment or pain. We all get drawn in to this mode of thinking at times. But I found that putting up with things that are ‘good’, but not ‘good enough’, is not a life I'm interested in living. I can have something more -- something better. So, I refuse to accept anything less than the possibility of everything.

I’ve risked everything in my life to live beyond the status quo… and I have no regrets.

I don't settle in my aspirations, or my relationships - because I'd rather have a life full of failure and loneliness, than a life without hopes and dreams. I may not get everything, but I can never complain that I did not live a life filled with rich experience that moved me, challenged me and enriched me.

By not settling, I’ve made room for opportunities I didn't even know were there and created a life that is beyond anything I could ever have imagined.

Open yourself up to things you never thought possible, things that others may call pipe-dreams, and you will be amazed. There are no guarantees that you will get everything. But I can absolutely guarantee that if you settle, you'll never know the endless possibilities of a life without limits. 

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The Value of Patience

How many times do people tell us to be patient?

Apparently, patience is a highly regarded trait. And the fact that I'm not patient has been brought to my attention by others as a defect. I disagree. I don't see patience as something to aspire to. Yet, it is generally considered an element of good character. One which we try  to instill in our children. But what does being patient really mean? And is patience actually something we should possess in order to be happy and healthy?

I don't think so. I do not value patience, because I see it as something that justifies a belief-system that dis-empowers. So, I'm here to challenge you to reconsider patience as a virtue.

According to Dictionary the definition of Patience is: Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint or Good-natured tolerance of delay or incompetence.

So, having patience is the ability to tolerate unbearable circumstances without complaint, and to allow injustice and incompetence to thrive, by keeping an attitude of indifference. As I see it, when someone says, "be patient" what they are saying is, "shut up and put up". And it concerns me that such a thing is considered a virtue.

By encouraging this quality, we create a condition where acknowledging discomfort, or speaking up against it, is discouraged. It sets up an environment were lack of action becomes a legitimized excuse for not making changes to better ourselves or our world. How can this be a good thing?

Seeing patience as a good quality, blinds us to the role it plays in creating and continuing the bad situation by giving credence to feeling righteous in ignoring an unhappy realty -- silently agreeing to living dishonestly by not acknowledging the problems.

Continuing to endure the unendurable by keeping silent, creates victimization. I'm not saying that there are no circumstances where good people are victimized by bad people. I remember 9/11 and I have had crimes committed against me. What I'm saying is - we participate in our own victimization when we patiently stand by. And we give psychologically credence to this by calling patience a virtue.

A person who willingly stands by (practicing patience), puts themselves in a situation where they become the victim of circumstances or, more accurately, a victim of themselves. By emotionally disengaging from their dissatisfaction in a given situation they become unresponsiveness and numb to their discomfort - unable to engage in life fully. Ignoring discomfort, weighs heavily on self-esteem and cultivates a way of thinking that determines behavior. Because, when we ignore our needs, we ignore ourselves and our value - diminishing our self-worth.

The belief that taking action against something painful (or even expressing dissatisfaction) is the wrong thing to do, sets us up to act as if things are okay, when they are not.

I'm impatient because I have little tolerance for putting up with bullshit.

I value myself and each moment of my life too much to waist time on being patient. For me, the ability to silently contend with a bad things seems like a cop out; a justification for standing still in a very uncomfortable place; a way to feel good about being a victim; and a set up for an unsatisfying, unhappy, unhealthy life. Quite the opposite of a virtue, I think.

As I've said before, patience is not a virtue, it is a weakness.

Going through the motions

Being able to choose how we live is such a gift and living in a world where the possibilities are endless is the envy of those who are less fortunate on this planet. Even so, people live halfway, just going through the motions, doing what's expected and allowing life to live them.

It’s not necessarily that they are unhappy with where they’re at, it’s just that they’ve forgone things that they want because they’re seduced into a way of life that doesn’t embrace that. So rather than living life, they do what’s in front of them.

To some extent it’s how we’re raised. People want to fit in and people want to do what’s right. And sometimes it’s just easier to follow directions and go along with what’s been done before. I’ve done it. I’ve lived a regular life; one that fit within the expectations of what most consider a well-adjusted adult lifestyle. I was ruled by social standards, doing things as expected, willing to settle for what I thought was the best I could get. 

But one day, I had an epiphany…stemming from events in my life (the details of which are unimportant) and I woke up to the reality that life truly is what we make it. I don’t have to just go along for the ride, I can choose my direction, create my future. And I can do it from nothing, if that’s all I have.

So it’s not without empathy and understanding that I express surprise when I come across those who have had life experiences that bring into focus the brevity and preciousness of life, yet still insist on merely living – without risk, slogging along. Those that have had a wake-up call and continue to deny their dreams –  that is a real tragedy. 

For many the event that gets them moving towards the life they want is a near death experience – a heart attack, accident or some medical crisis that jerks them into the realty that life is short and should be treated as a gift. For others, it’s the loss of a loved one that hits home the truth of our limited existence. And for some it’s falling in love that triggers the urge to experience life fully without reservation. No matter the specifics,  it amazes me that many people who have such experiences say out loud – “Wow, this really changes things. It’s a wake up call for me to really live my life as I want to.” – but remain exactly where they’ve been and continue to forsake desires that would bring meaning and richness to their lives.

So, although for me it seemed that life circumstances brought me to this new outlook, I’m not convinced that it has to be a dramatic event that pushes one forward, maybe it’s just a decision.

A conscious decision to refuse to miss out while you can enjoy the wonders of life. I remember making that decision. And although the decision came after certain events changed my life situation, perhaps it was the decision that pushed me forward - not the events. 

Either way, once I woke up, even knowing the fear and risk involved, I couldn’t go back to just going through the motions. No matter how safe it was or how easy it seemed, I couldn’t go back to sleep. 

Please do not sleep through your life; do not wait until you’re near death, or you loose something dear, to make the decision to live fully. You don’t want to look back on your life and wish you had.

Stop going through the motions. Instead, make the mistakes and take the chances. And live without the regret of playing it so safe that you miss it all together.

I'll be the Judge

I am the Judge in my life. I encourage you to be the Judge in yours.

We live in a world, full of Judges, ready to judge what you do, who you do/bed, what you wear and what you believe -- before they stop to notice how you treat them.

I refuse to judge people base on the superficial things like, who they are, what they think or how they live. That's all just noise to me, and often not really an indication of their value as a human being. It's more an indication of the choices they've made. And even if their choices are different than mine (which is often the case, because I live outside the limits of social norms), I still don't judge them based on that.

For example, I don't judge people for believing in God as being weak for giving some mythical figure credit for what they themselves created in their own lives (well, maybe I do a little). I simply consider that, for some reason, they need to have a framework that explains the unexplainable in order to feel safe and in control.

But, more to the point, I don't feel compelled to make them change their beliefs because they differ from mine, like religious people often try to change the beliefs of those who don't believe in God. I only feel compelled to judge them if their belief in God and Church result in mistreating others (specifically me), which it often does...unfortunately.

If their religious leanings doesn't affect me, I say "whatever works for them" is of no concern to me. So it's not what they believe, but how they treat me that is important and what I base my judgments on.

So, I will not make a value judgment on what you do (how you live your life, what choices you make, what goes on in your bed, what goes on in your head, what you look like, how you dress, who you choose to look-up to, who you choose to hook-up with, who you hang out with, what you think about things in the world, how much money you make or how you spend it, or if you own a car). I may have opinions on these things and I may disagree with you on some -- but I won't judge you based on that.

But I will judge you for how you treat me.

I don't even care so much how you treat others. I mean, who am I to say that how you treat someone else isn't justified or that it's wrong? That's between you and someone else, and for all I know, it may be the best way for you to relate to that person, even if I wouldn't like it if you treated me the way you treat them.

To me the true judge of character is not based on the values you hold or what moral beliefs you have – but how you treat me! Those I choose to have in my life treat me with respect, loyalty and importance.

Judge for yourself.

Wait a Minute

Do you ever feel like you spend a large amount of your life waiting?
Waiting for the train, waiting for the weekend, waiting for right time. . .waiting for life to begin.

Well, stop waiting! If you don't than you look back on your life and feel like you missed it. Remember life is happening right now. In front of you, beside, behind you. . .
All around you.

Join in!

I recently found myself looking forward to spending time with a particular person and found that much of my day (though busy with activities and fun, productive tasks) was spent daydreaming about the time we'd get to spend together once the day was over. And when all the waiting was for naught -- because at the end of the day, the day was over. And we didn't get together -- I felt desperately let-down.

But it made me think about what I would be doing with my creative energy if I wasn't just waiting. I'm not a waiter (I don't serve you food) and it's generally in my nature to take an active role in determining where I want my life to go. And take the necessary steps to make things happen. 

While I was waiting, I realized that I had been letting life live me, instead of deliberately living my life.

I'm not saying we shouldn't day dream - greatness comes from imagination, dreams and visions - I'm just saying don't miss the opportunity to move your life forward. You don't want to be left behind because you're waiting for something better. Use those daydreams to make each moment a magical experience.

Although there are times it's restful to simply let life take it's course, resting for long creates lethargy and a feeling of being trapped. It makes us forget that we have the power, the control to determine every detail of our lives.

So, remember you're in charge of your life direction. You can have and do anything you put your mind to. If you don't believe me than try what I do and see if I'm wrong. . .

Stop waiting and live a deliberate life.

Stop the Bullshit!

If you don’t like it change it, or at least enjoy the discomfort.

No one is really a victim because we have the power to change everything with a look, a smile, a touch or a word.

Everything counts and yet nothing is counted against you.

I believe that each hardship I come across is a beautiful chance to experience another part of the human adventure and it often give me and opportunity to confirm what I already suspected. 

And if not  . . .  I can always use it in my work.

Speak Up!

Always say what’s on your mind. Don’t censor. It may shock someone but it will also challenge them to be more true and alive.

Sometimes being irreverent is really being respectful.

Although I seem to flip the social mores, I’m stating the facts as I know them honestly and truthfully.

My philosophy is not about being right or moral it is about being true. 

Some people find me offensive, others inspiring.

Those that are offended usually have their own insecurities or unloved parts of themselves.

If my way offends you into accepting and celebrating yourself more than before
. . . your welcome.