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December 2009

Red's 2009 Year in Review

Well, it's New Year's Eve - that day of the year that we all review what we've done, learned, accomplished in the past year. And when we celebrate the new. It's a time of reflection and a time to set goals for the upcoming year. 

Thinking redhead And as I review, I've become abundantly aware that I have so many posts that I wrote in 2009 which I never published, for reasons that were primarily selfish...I wasn't ready to share these lessons or I was afraid that they would be taken out of context and thus, misunderstood. But, since I'm not one to be ruled by my fears or be overly concerned when others think of me; and although I know that some will use what I write to make judgments -- sometimes not-so-nice judgments and sometimes inaccurate judgments about me -- one of my Resolutions for 2010 is to publish these bits of wisdom. Important lessons for limitless living that I learned through the most magical and tragic year that I've been privileged to live through so far. So, even though 2009 is coming to an end, the lessons of this past year are still alive and well (as are all the possibilities that I imagined). These will continue to influence me and (perhaps) you too. So there is something amazing from this past year that created something to look forward to in 2010 -- great posts!

But for today...I'm simply going to list some of the wonders of this past year and when I'm done with that I'll list my hopes for the future.
Red's 2009 Highlights 
  1. True love exists.
  2. Magic is real.
  3. Loneliness hurts.
  4. Creativity is grounding.
  5. Vulnerability is scary.
  6. Family is good.
  7. People love even when it doesn't make sense.
  8. Fear makes us do irrational things.
  9. Death is hard.
  10. Ignoring the truth doesn't make it false.
  11. Life can be funny
  12. Clever can be intimidating.
  13. Openness creates endless possibilities.
  14. Singing, is always a good thing to do.
  15. Forgetting about something is not the same as forgetting. 
  16. Life is a paradox 
  17. It sucks to live with regret  
  18. The impossible is possible 
  19. Giving my heart away is for keeps. I can't get it back. 
  20. Being loved and cherished in return, changes how the world looks 
  21. There are some things that words cannot express

I've learned that I know so much more than I thought I knew and I know so much less than I knew I thought. 

As for 2010
  1. I will never settle 
  2. I will not pretend
  3. I will know the difference between love, sex and intimacy
  4. I will still believe that anything is possible and I can have everything
  5. I will be open
  6. I will wait
  7. I will create
  8. I will wear more mini-skirts
  9. I will cry
  10. I will laugh
  11. I will stay awake when I want to sleep
  12. I will play hard 
  13. I will grow my red hair
  14. I will let my scars be part of me 
  15. I will have fun 
  16. I will let life take me wherever it does, without fear or regret. 
  17. I will sing
  18. I will struggle with difficulties in a new way 
  19. I will fight for what's right
  20. I will never give up 
  21. And I will keep believing in love; a love that changes everything   
And above all, I will continue to be fearless.

Those who impacted me the most this past year, may never see this post. But if you do (where ever you may be), know you are always with me, in my heart. Know that you have made an impact that has shaken me to the core. And I'm grateful.

May the New Year bring New Possibilities!

I'm not finished yet...

Opposite-lovers-red-wings Have you ever been in the middle of the most amazing relationship and become so uncertain that you reacted rashly? And suddenly it seems to have ended, but you don't feel that it's over because you still have such strong feelings, and you still have so much more to say, and you are certain in your belief that you can work through it together?

I have, and it sucks. It suck especially because I hate leaving things unsaid; things that I've learned as a result of pushing myself to move through the difficult times that followed to get to the other side; it sucks because I so desperately want to share what I've come to with the person I learned it with...only now, it's become awkward.

What do you do when, after a feeling so utterly comfortable and safe and trusting with another, he becomes uneasy about talking...and you don't even know what that means? And he doesn't return your calls to explain. Yet, the last time you spoke the two of you agreed to talk again after some time had passed...and it has. I don't have the answers, but I can tell you what I've done and what I try to do.

As we all do, the first thing I try is to figure it out. I try to find a reason for the shift which, incidentally, is impossible to do alone - when the other person involved is not talking. This is the rationalizing that we do to make things more palatable when we are dealing with loss...we try to make sense out of a situation that doesn't fit with the past way of being with another. We do it when someone dies, or someone disappears, or when we feel betrayed or confused about the other person's choices that involve us.

But when you try to make yourself feel better by answering questions in your head that the other person needs to answer for you, it's just an exercise; it doesn't really resolve anything. It's kinda like running in circles. You may not get anywhere, but you feel like you've had a good workout.

If you try to to process these feeling with others who are outside the situation, or try to explain it to anyone else, they don't exactly get it. Instead, they try to comfort you by saying, "You deserve better" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's for the best" -- but we all know that these pat answers are given to ease the discomfort; they are not real answers and they don't address half the story. These "answers" don't encompass the complexity of any relationship, nor do they provide the relief we desire from the hardship of being estranged from someone important. For me to get relief, there is no reason for me to talk with anyone except the one I need to communicate with.

We need to talk directly before anything can be set straight. I believe we will (because I believe that if I'm feeling unfinished, so is he). But that belief could just be me making things up in my head to make myself feel better. I won't know until we talk, but it does ease the heartache that I feel when I think that I'll never have a chance to share what I so much want to share. And I won't give up, because...

...I'm not finished yet.

Unfinished Business: hurry up and wait

Randall Stevens: Unfinished work of the unfinished puzzle Have you ever been asked to step away from something that you're not yet finished with? It leaves you at loose ends, feeling unfinished. And it can unravel you if you let it. Especially if it's a person with whom you have a significant tie. 

You cannot make someone come to you, or talk to you, or even acknowledge you if they don't want to (or if they feel uneasy about it). Even if you believe you could ease them. Even if you want to assure them that it's not a bad thing to communicate under any circumstances.

It's these times, that I have to stop and take a breath and remember...time is a wonderful leveler. Time will bring us back to the core of what brought us together and we will come back to the beginning once the wounds have healed and perspective is gained and we are more grounded in ourselves.

Bottom line, I may think I want to talk with someone (and I do), but if they are not in a place to do that and I ask them to anyway, what do I gain? I have a conversation with someone who is not invested in being or talking with me. And isn't what I really want is for them to freely come to me because they want to?

So, I wait (which is not one of my strong points), and I remember that I live my life at lighting speed; moving through crisis to insight faster than most; pursuing every endeavor to the nth degree - simultaneously.

I learn fast and I live fast. I don't waste a lot of time. My style is intense. I know for a fact that I get more done in a day than most people do in a week. And this it true for me emotionally as well. I move through the process of processing and coming to insights faster than most. I learn from my mistakes, make changes immediately to accommodate the new information, and incorporate that into my life -- always remembering my core belief that if I'm true to myself, anything is possible.

It's not my fault that I'm quick. And although it's afforded me many wondrous experiences (I've traveled far and wide; had numerous careers; collected more men and more friends than anyone else I know), it can be difficult when the world generally moves slower. And when those I care for are thrown by my pace - or by my (unintentional) expectation that they are as fast as me at moving to the end...where we talk again. I ground myself in my creativity which feeds my spirit. I pursue being exactly who I am in every moment (even if others don't like it), and I remember that if I live truly in the moment, I will have everything I always wanted, even things I didn't know.

...and I communicate with the only tool I have besides an actual conversation, I write. And hope that those I'm talking to are listening and know that I'm talking directly to them. And I wait, and I dream, and I trust, and I live and I cry and I laugh...I'm very busy waiting.

…and I remember that our best times were the times we came together freely without limits set on how or when that could be. So I try (in my small way) to recreate that, by not putting limits on how or when we'll talk again.

And although I have a knack of pushing people to do more than they see themselves as capable of, or feel comfortable with (because I'm unafraid to challenge people to think differently or try something anyway), I've found that this quality sometimes needs to be set aside in order to give someone time to catch up.