I went to see Cougar The Musical at St. Luke's Theatre this afternoon, and it was simply delightful!

What fun! I love a show that celebrates women's sexuality, especially when the women are experienced in life.

Each Cougar in the show goes on a journey that includes encounters with young pups and discovering love along the way. And I'm not necessarily talking about love of their partners, but of love of self, acceptance of sexual prowess as a part of who they are, and a love of life with all it's infinite possibilities.

This fun romp, filled with song, dance and humor (where age is never an issue where love is concerned or when it comes to hooking up for some fun), plays on Saturdays at 2PM in New York at the St. Luke's Theater.

Cougar the Musical is a celebration of life and women who refuse to stop living it... even as they get older!!

Get your tickets here.

What Maisie Knew is one of my favorites, both as a project I worked on, and as a film. This movie, based on a modernized version of Henry James 1897 Novel, was beautifully shot and smartly cast (and crewed). 

Since its premier at 2012 Toronto International Film Festival, What Maisie Knew was nominated for the Tokyo Grand Prix at the 2012 Tokyo International Film Festival, and was chosen as the New York Times Critics' Pick. It's done well in the indie film world, and continues to gather more fans. Now available on iTunes, Amazon and Vudu, What Maisie Knew is definitely worth seeing.

Push Play to watch trailer if you cannot see video on your device. 

Directing team, Scott McGehee  and David Siegel, knew what they were doing when they cast this film. The chemistry and talent of the actors is why this movie is relate-able to all of us, even though it's shot from a child's perspective. Seeing the world through a child's eyes is part of the magic that Onata Aprile brings this to life as Maisie, which won her the "Outstanding Achievement in Acting Award" at the 2013 Newport Beach Film Festival.

An amazing child-actress, Onata carries this film with her endearing and emotionally real performances in scenes with Julianne Moore (Maisie's aging rock star mother), Steve Coogan (Maisie's art-dealing father), and with both Alexander Skarsgård (Lincoln) and Joanna Vanderham (Maggie) -- the two adults who see what Maisie knows.

Beside Onata Aprile, the other great talent who was unknown to most American audiences before this film is Joanna Vanderham (Pictured here with Onata  during the filming of What Maisie Knew).

Joanne's preformance as Maggie made me cry and laugh and feel. Working with her was a dream, so I am happy that she is now playing more and more visible roles -- like the role of Denise in the PBS Masterpiece Classic Series,The Paradise. If you haven't started watching it yet, you should!

Soon, Joanna can be seen playing Pamela in Dancing on the Edge, a 2013 British BBC drama by Stephen Poliakoff, which will air on Starz as a miniseries. It premiers October 19th at 10PM, so set your DVR or whatever it is you these days do to make sure you don't miss the next big thing in TV. That's what Joanna Vanderham is quickly becoming -- the next big thing!

The more I see, the more the talent of What Maisie Knew amazes me.

Yesterday, in my post called The Breakup Talk we took a look at the most commonly used breakup lines. Today, let's look at the meaning behind the words. Though these simple phrases have been used by the dumper over and over again to end relationships in a way that creates a soft landing for the dumpee, they're not as kind as they may seem. Here is what he/she is really saying when he/she says:

"I love you, but I’m not in love you." Translates to: "I don't like you."

"It’s not you it me." = "It’s you!"

"I need space." ----- "Go away so my space can be filled with someone else."

"I don’t want a girlfriend." Means: "I want a different girlfriend"

"I can’t do this." = "You’re too scary."

"I want more." Means: "You're too poor."

"I can’t give you what you need." = "You’re too needy . . . go away."

"I’m married." ------- "I’m glad I’m not married to you."

"I’m not ready." Means: "I am ready to leave."

"You deserve better." ------ "You’re not good enough."

"I got issues . . . with you."

"There is no us . . . because I don’t want you."

"I’m still hung up on someone else." ------ "I want to hang up on you."

"I thought we were just having fun." ------- "I’m with a whole bunch of other people, you idiot!"

"I don’t want to hurt you . . . " ------ "It hurts to be with you."

"It’s over." = "I don’t want you under me."

Anyone who has dumped or been dumped by another knows these breakup lines are code for something else. It's a way to say what we mean and mean what we say without really saying it. I live by the STOP THE BULLSHIT philosophy so I think it's important to expose the code and reveal the truth behind Breakup Speak. 

Maybe we should simply: "Tell the truth . . . it's just easier."

There is nothing original about the breakup talk. The reality is that there are only a certain number of phrases we use to move out of a relationship, if we have the balls to say anything at all. Never calling back or doing a disappearing act is always an option. But when the talks begin, you can almost guarantee that one or more of the following phases will be the theme of the conversion.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

"It's not you, it's me."

"I need space."

"I don't want a girlfriend (or boyfriend, wife, husband -- just fill in the blank)."

"I can't do this."

"I want more."

"I can't give you what you need."

"I'm married."

"I don't want to hurt you . . . anymore."

"I'm not ready . . ."

“You deserve better.”

"I got issues . . ."

"There is no us."

"I'm still hung-up on someone else."

"I thought we were just having fun."

"It's over."

It's always the same and we've all heard it before. So breaking up is not hard to do, it's easy . . . just use these phrases and whoever your talking to will know. But wouldn't it be great if someone came up with a more original way to breakup? That is my challenge to you. Next time you need to end a relationship, find an original way to say it.

THE END

I wanted to wish you a very Happy and Magical Birthday! You know who you are and why I'm doing this here. You're very special to me and though we cannot be in each others lives the way we were, I'll always care deeply for you. May this year bring all the wonders you deserve!

Here's a song . . .

It always surprises me that, when I run into old friends (and even new friends) over the years of my singlehood, the question I'm asked most often is, “Why don't you have someone ‘special’ in your life?” (Maybe I do, and it's a secret-love but that's beside the point here - fodder for another post) The point here is: What they’re really asking is, "Why aren't you married?"

The implication is, if you're not married or in a relationship than you're alone in this world.I always remind them that I'm in many relationships, and have many people and men who are important to me. I get a lot of attention and it works for me.

“But isn’t that lonely?” they ask with a long look of concern and pity.  And my answer is: "Not at all". I don’t feel lonely and I certainly don’t feel alone in the world. In my years as a single woman, it’s never occurred to me that I need to find a mate or create a child in order to be fulfilled as a person or to stave off loneliness.

I have so many amazing people in my life that I love. And beyond that, I have many relationships with those who are truly there for me; many that support me in all my dreams and hopes. I have those that stand by me as I go through the trials of life’s lessons and those who challenge me to learn. They are like my family – in fact, some actual are my family (siblings, parents, cousins).

Interestingly, some people don’t consider that you “have a family” if you don’t have a spouse or children. But I’m not that traditional in my views and I don’t think that because you don’t have what is considered the American Dream, it means that you’re missing something essential in life.

The questions I get from others (many of whom are married with children) make me wonder: Why do they assume that I'm lonely because what I have, I have by myself? Would they be lonely without their American Dream lives? And do they enjoy what I have? - Do they have the freedom that comes with not having to account to anyone for what they do or the choices they make? Or the trill of never knowing what’s next in the adventure of life? Or the prospect of always meeting new people and being exposed to new ideas? Not that you can’t have these within the confines of a marriage, but – let’s face it – these are not qualities that are typically associated with the marriage experience.

At any rate, I know that being "in it together" with someone significant is an experience that brings benefits that are valuable, just as being independent does. So, I don't fret for those in marriage; nor should they worry for me because I am unattached.

I am on my own, not alone.

Have you ever been in the middle of the most amazing relationship and become so uncertain that you reacted rashly? And suddenly it seems to have ended, but you don't feel that it's over because you still have such strong feelings, and you still have so much more to say, and you are certain in your belief that you can work through it together?

I have, and it sucks. It suck especially because I hate leaving things unsaid; things that I've learned as a result of pushing myself to move through the difficult times that followed to get to the other side; it sucks because I so desperately want to share what I've come to with the person I learned it with...only now, it's become awkward.

What do you do when, after a feeling so utterly comfortable and safe and trusting with another, he becomes uneasy about talking...and you don't even know what that means? And he doesn't return your calls to explain. Yet, the last time you spoke the two of you agreed to talk again after some time had passed...and it has. I don't have the answers, but I can tell you what I've done and what I try to do.

As we all do, the first thing I try is to figure it out. I try to find a reason for the shift which, incidentally, is impossible to do alone - when the other person involved is not talking. This is the rationalizing that we do to make things more palatable when we are dealing with loss...we try to make sense out of a situation that doesn't fit with the past way of being with another. We do it when someone dies, or someone disappears, or when we feel betrayed or confused about the other person's choices that involve us.

But when you try to make yourself feel better by answering questions in your head that the other person needs to answer for you, it's just an exercise; it doesn't really resolve anything. It's kinda like running in circles. You may not get anywhere, but you feel like you've had a good workout.

If you try to to process these feeling with others who are outside the situation, or try to explain it to anyone else, they don't exactly get it. Instead, they try to comfort you by saying, "You deserve better" or "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's for the best" -- but we all know that these pat answers are given to ease the discomfort; they are not real answers and they don't address half the story. These "answers" don't encompass the complexity of any relationship, nor do they provide the relief we desire from the hardship of being estranged from someone important. For me to get relief, there is no reason for me to talk with anyone except the one I need to communicate with.

We need to talk directly before anything can be set straight. I believe we will (because I believe that if I'm feeling unfinished, so is he). But that belief could just be me making things up in my head to make myself feel better. I won't know until we talk, but it does ease the heartache that I feel when I think that I'll never have a chance to share what I so much want to share. And I won't give up, because...

...I'm not finished yet.

Have you ever been asked to step away from something that you're not yet finished with? It leaves you at loose ends, feeling unfinished. And it can unravel you if you let it. Especially if it's a person with whom you have a significant tie. 

You cannot make someone come to you, or talk to you, or even acknowledge you if they don't want to (or if they feel uneasy about it). Even if you believe you could ease them. Even if you want to assure them that it's not a bad thing to communicate under any circumstances.

It's these times, that I have to stop and take a breath and remember...time is a wonderful leveler. Time will bring us back to the core of what brought us together and we will come back to the beginning once the wounds have healed and perspective is gained and we are more grounded in ourselves.

Bottom line, I may think I want to talk with someone (and I do), but if they are not in a place to do that and I ask them to anyway, what do I gain? I have a conversation with someone who is not invested in being or talking with me. And isn't what I really want is for them to freely come to me because they want to?

So, I wait (which is not one of my strong points), and I remember that I live my life at lighting speed; moving through crisis to insight faster than most; pursuing every endeavor to the nth degree - simultaneously.

I learn fast and I live fast. I don't waste a lot of time. My style is intense. I know for a fact that I get more done in a day than most people do in a week. And this it true for me emotionally as well. I move through the process of processing and coming to insights faster than most. I learn from my mistakes, make changes immediately to accommodate the new information, and incorporate that into my life -- always remembering my core belief that if I'm true to myself, anything is possible.

It's not my fault that I'm quick. And although it's afforded me many wondrous experiences (I've traveled far and wide; had numerous careers; collected more men and more friends than anyone else I know), it can be difficult when the world generally moves slower. And when those I care for are thrown by my pace - or by my (unintentional) expectation that they are as fast as me at moving to the end...where we talk again.  

...so I ground myself in my creativity which feeds my spirit. I pursue being exactly who I am in every moment (even if others don't like it), and I remember that if I live truly in the moment, I will have everything I always wanted, even things I didn't know.

...and I communicate with the only tool I have besides an actual conversation, I write. And hope that those I'm talking to are listening and know that I'm talking directly to them. And I wait, and I dream, and I trust, and I live and I cry and I laugh...I'm very busy waiting.

…and I remember that our best times were the times we came together freely without limits set on how or when that could be. So I try (in my small way) to recreate that, by not putting limits on how or when we'll talk again.

And although I have a knack of pushing people to do more than they see themselves as capable of, or feel comfortable with (because I'm unafraid to challenge people to think differently or try something anyway), I've found that this quality sometimes needs to be set aside in order to give someone time to catch up.

How we choose our mate?

Think about it…really. With more than 40,000,000 sites available to singles, people must think a lot about this. I think understanding more about how we choose who we want to partner-up with, can help us recognize why certain relationships (of the romantic couple variety) are lasting – or not.

Not that I’m a big fan of limiting oneself to only one, one...but, for the sake of argument, let’s keep this simple and address this conversation to the vast number of people who are looking for a significant other to share time with. In a sort of committed or datey – I want to be with you, and only you, and nobody else but you – kind of way.

Widespread opinion (or is it just a myth?) says that common beliefs, interests or shared experience are important in an ongoing relationship. Maybe, maybe not, but many dating sites have made a mint on this idea. And although, it’s true that those factors often bring people together. Alas, this limited understanding of union, often it is not enough to keep a couple a couple (or together at all). 

Here are some examples of how those looking for love try to search: age, religion, political views, looks, hobbies, blah blah blah… and here are some samples of the kind of information you can find on the profiles of daters looking for love: “I love outdoor activities such as water sports, camping, baseball and playing pool”….SO WHAT? Sounds like he's looking for a companion, not a girlfriend. I mean, “Are you interesting?” Or how about this guy, who is looking for a soul mate – yikes: “I like the fresh air of the golf course and occasionally catching up with the latest cult movie.”  Impressive, yes?

Wouldn’t it be easy if that was all it took, just to have things in common to find your one and only? It’s a very seductive idea, indeed, and one that many marriages are based on. But it’s certainly not, well...that simple.  What happens when you life-partner gets bored, or sick, or has an allergic reaction to some shared common interest that was important in your relationship? Then what? What if as you both go through life, each of your values change; what was once considered a cornerstone of your connection becomes a source of strain -  because, that value is now only important to one of you and is seen as a ridiculous by the other? What if, as all people do, we each become more true to who we are as we gain experience – which inevitably brings us to new outlooks and worldviews? That can be disastrous to a committed relationship. And often is. Even if the relationship survives this, it’s often because one of the partners has to shut up or because they have something more than we look for on dating websites.

Chemistry (the spontaneous reaction of individuals to each other, especially a mutual sense of attraction or understanding), is what I think is most important. And honestly, I’ve not figured out how to determine the intensity of this kind of connection without meeting the person in person, which is one reason I’ve not tried the dating sites. (The other reason is that I’m not sure I believe in coupling.)

Nevertheless, chemistry is a visceral thing that occurs between two people when they’re in the same room. There can be no love at first sight if you’re not in the same room…even if you’re on the same website.